These video game villains are definitely Crypto Bros

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Every emerging technology begins as an exercise in despicable exploitation. Before Game Pass and Apple Arcade, the entire mobile gaming industry was a big Clash of Clans job. The first email ever sent was likely from a Nigerian prince trying to rip off an old lady. Even the Internet itself started out as nothing more than a bunch of pedophile chat rooms. We can’t have nice things, at least not in the beginning, and cryptocurrency is no exception. I have no idea how much value crypto could one day deliver to society, but at the moment it’s nothing more than a pyramid scheme for nerds. That’s not to say that there isn’t any money to be made – some people have gotten really rich through Bitcoin with the emphasis on the dirty. Whenever there is an opportunity to make a lot of money by lying to people, draining the Earth of its precious resources, and without having to do any work, the wrong kind of people are forced to come and sniff.

A crypto brother is the worst type of person. These are usually the people who understand very little about the technology behind cryptocurrency, but are most committed to the efficiency of the market. These are the investors who are flooding social media with #HODLGANG and harassing anyone who expresses skepticism about the value of Ethereum, Dogecoin, JRR Token, or whatever bullshit they peddle on any given day. They love crypto because they love money and weight, but they are less investors than they are hypemen and viral marketers. The best-known and most successful crypto bros are charismatic leaders with the gift of chatter and just enough knowledge to be dangerous. Crypto influencers like Roger Ver, John McAfee, IvanOnTech, and even Elon Musk control the market by directing their cult of the children of crypto where to go and what to invest in. , and people like Ver and McAfee are their de facto cult leaders.

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In the world of video games, the crypto leaders would undoubtedly be much more overt and outwardly wicked. No game has ever addressed the crypto culture and the demagogues that keep the imaginary ship afloat – likely because every publisher is considering getting into the trick – but that doesn’t mean the crypto brothers of video games don’t exist. not. Looking at the most popular games, it’s easy to see which villains would have been the conductors of the blockchain hype train. Here’s a short, non-definitive list of video game villains who are definitely crypto bros.

Montenegro vase

Far Cry 3 hacker boss Vaas Montenegro certainly doesn’t know what bitcoin is. In fact, I doubt he knows how to use a computer, and chances are he is illiterate as well. Still, that hasn’t stopped him from investing massive amounts of money in the crypto market of course. Vaas loves expensive things, but more importantly, he desperately needs to prove that he’s still the toughest, smartest guy in the room. The insecurity that drives Vaas is the same instinct that drives adults to spend $ 10,000 on a photo of a monkey smoking a joint, I guess. It’s easy to imagine Vaas shouting “TO THE MOON!” to its pirates while kidnapping people and selling them into slavery. He probably thinks he’s actually going to the moon.

Andrew Ryan

Cryptocurrency and Libertarians are like peanut butter and jelly – if peanut butter and jelly were terrible. Bioshock is set in an alternate 1960s version, but if the internet had been invented by them I’m sure Ryan would have funded Rapture by inventing a new cryptocurrency called Atlas Coin or something (don’t steal that). Everyone at Rapture should have paid for plasmids using QR codes on their socks that connect to their crypto wallets. Oh my God, I managed to make Bioshock slightly more dystopian. No god or kings, only NFTs.

Dr. Worker

Eggman is the dumbest smart guy on the planet, so he’s basically the video game version of Elon Musk. When not consistently bothered by a talking rodent, Robotnik probably spends all day on the r / bitcoin subreddit making memes about all the women who doubted him. Eggman is definitely sucked into an altcoin to pump and empty once a month, but he’s too deep to go back now. He was also one of the first to adopt NFTs. Eggman has created virtual collectible cards for his 400 Badniks, but no one will buy them – not even the Lazy Lion dorks.

Giovanni

Giovanni bought all the Kanto region GPUs, all of them. It turned Team Rocket headquarters into the world’s largest Bitcoin mining farm. The facility was once powered by the Highway 10 power plant, but was so energy intensive that it quickly overloaded the system and forced it to shut down. Now he sends his minions to steal electric-type pokemon to constantly power the farm, tossing them when they are too weak and tired to provide electricity. Giovanni is truly the sneakiest crypto brother out there.

Wario

It’s a shame I’ve used Elon Musk’s comparison for Eggman before, as the self-proclaimed Lord of Memes considers himself more of a Wario. We know Wario is driven by the same things that motivate the Crypto Brothers – namely greed – but Wario also embodies the Crypto Brother more than any other villain on this list. A strong, stocky, troll-like man who enjoys farting at people and riding an extremely loud motorbike, Wario is a total social outcast who is completely incapable of conforming to society. He received a life of rejection and now he wears his inconvenience as a badge of honor. Wario is a little pig-faced weirdo who has finally found a place where he can be himself in the crypto community. It would be kinda nice if he wasn’t the worst whore.

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About author Eric Switzer (1310 published articles)

Eric Switzer is the editor of Livestream News for TheGamer as well as the head of virtual reality and technology. He has written on comics and films for Bloody Disgusting and VFXwire. He is a graduate of the University of Missouri – Columbia and the Vancouver Film School. Eric enjoys board games, fan conventions, new technology, and his adorable Bruce and Babs kittens. Favorite games include Destiny 2, Kingdom Hearts, Super Metroid and Prey … but especially Prey. His favorite Pokémon is Umbreon.

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