8 gifts to cheer up a crypto fan

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Normal winter may have just arrived, but crypto winter has been here since last Christmas. The trading bubble that propelled amateur gamers to modest or extreme wealth had lost air before then, and then things got much worse.

To recap: In May, the algorithmic stablecoin TerraUSD and its sister token Luna entered a death spiral that wiped out $45 billion in less than a week. In June, the Federal Reserve raised interest rates, cryptocurrencies plunged, and Three Arrows Capital, a crypto hedge fund that had heavily promoted Luna, found itself unable to repay its lenders, triggering multiple investigations. forced liquidation and sending some of these lenders into their own bankruptcies. In November, crypto exchange Binance threw competitor FTX under the bus, triggering an implosion on the latter and sending its chief Sam Bankman-Fried to jail in the Bahamas to nab once-high profile crypto projects like BoredApes, the Winkleviis Genesis. , and finally Binance itself in the crossfire.

Needless to say, come December, the degenerate Telegram users in your life are getting pissed off. They put all their savings into FTX cash markets and that Azaelia Banks NFT sex tape, and now they barely have two Funko Digital Pops! Virtual Game of Thrones collectibles to rub shoulders with. So, in that spirit of generosity that the crypto community is known for, here’s a gift guide to spreading some non-fungible love this holiday season (much like how the crypto contagion spread financial insolvency) .

SUBSTACK MARTIN SHKRELI SUBSCRIPTION, FREE

Martin is back from prison, single and on Substack, where he is half-hunting anonymous Bitcoin founder Satoshi Nakamoto. So far, this has involved a few short blog posts digging into old names that anyone with a passing interest in the original crypto mystery has already seen on Wikipedia. The newsletter is free at the moment, but get in quick, because he promised a 5000% price increase soon. Or you can just get Evan Ratliffs’ book on one of the names in question.

BORED MONKEY NFT, $90,000+

They’re ugly, they’re expensive, and they were invented by two formerly pseudonymous guys who identify as literary nerds, whose only justification seems to be that one of them was writing, the other thought he was getting an MFA, and they met at a big game screaming about David Foster Wallace. But with an 80% drop in their floor price since April, these bad boys have never been so affordable. Get one for about the price of a down payment on a home.

FRAMED PHOTO OF JIMMY FALLON AND PARIS HILTON WITH THEIR BORED MONKEYS, $10 (FROM GUESSING)

It will look great next to their life-size painting of Nick Szabo.

YouTubeBETTERHELP DIRECT TO CONSUMER THERAPY, $240 to $360

The podcast community really seems to think it works.

EMSAM PATCH, 40 MG OF ADDERALL, ZYRTEC, VARIABLE PRICE

According to the Sam Bankman-Frieds bail hearing, the crypto moguls old medical regimen includes the MAO inhibitor patch Emsam, 10 milligrams of Adderall every four hours, and 10 milligrams daily of Zyrtec for the allergies. He may currently be in a Bahamian prison awaiting extradition to the United States where he has been charged with eight criminal charges related to various types of fraud, but for a second there, Bankman-Fried was the King of the world.

STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS, NOT CLEAR

Seriously, a lot of people I know who got into crypto trading were lured in by the possibility of cartoonish returns that could save them from decades of debt. This is admittedly a very bad idea, although at least one of these people has actually repaid his loan. Clearing their unpaid balances would sincerely be a very nice gift. But that will require a legal victory for the Biden administration and/or the timely deaths of multiple Supreme Court justices. If you want something under your control, you can pay off their debt yourself.

NEAL STEPHENSON’S SNOW CRASH, $18

Honestly, a great book.

FUNKO DIGITAL POP! VIRTUAL NFT COLLECTIBLES, $9.99

I have to give credit to Funko Pop for reinventing NFTs as $10 playing cards. They have a whole range of elf characters.

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