Your 100%* reliable guide to the future of crypto in 2023! – 50ft Blockchain Attack

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By Amy Castor and David Gerard

With all these gutted crypto buyers, there’s a lot of handy divination innards lying around. So it’s time to channel our inner Maren Altman and see what the blockchain tells us will happen in 2023!

Our 2022 predictions were right on almost everything except when we underestimated the power of human stupidity.

*within acceptable margins of error

How we did for 2022

These were David’s predictions, though he didn’t get very far:

Bitcoin: Think of the dumbest thing they could do. No, dumber than that. We point to all of the crypto since May 2022 to show how correct this one was. Real dollars in the cryptosystem were already low at the end of 2021. The bubble burst in May and retail went home. Miners were already stuck with unsalable bitcoins. Our August article describing the US bitcoin mining collapse continues to unfold as we described. Cryptocurrency is always about ass to use, but that was never going to change. No one has succeeded in inventing a new magic bean even dumber than NFTs. Human stupidity, you let us down!

These are Amy’s predictions:

Bitcoin has yet to suffer a stupendous crash, but conditions are ripe for loose regulatory oversight and a lack of real dollars in the system. The Great Collapse, when it finally came, unfolded even more dramatically than any of us could have imagined. After growing 388% in 2021, stablecoin companies would feel the heat from regulators. TerraUSD imploded in May and US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen had to explain Terra-Luna to Congress the day after its collapse and promised more regulation on the spot. The October Financial Stability Supervisory Board (FSOC) report is uncompromising. NFTs were the hottest new crypto scam in 2021, but all crypto scams have a limited lifespan. The Crypto brothers should find a new way to attract stupid money. But they couldn’t do it in 2022. They lured some in with mining, but that was the last dumb money. Regulators would tighten the noose on the NFT market. In May, the SEC announced that it was doubling the size of its crypto assets and cyber unit to focus on NFTs, as well as DeFi, stablecoins and exchanges. [SEC; Bloomberg] In June, the DOJ indicted Nate Chastain, a former OpenSea executive, in what was the first case of NFT insider trading. In October, we learned that the SEC was probing Yuga Labs to see if the Bored Ape Yacht Club NFTs themselves as well as ApeCoin were unregistered securities offerings. What are our predictions for 2023!

Everything that started happening in May 2022, when Terra-Luna exploded, is not over yet. None of this is over yet, at all. Crypto companies don’t have real money, and they all know that everyone is screwed already. In 2023, we will continue to see them all go bankrupt one by one. The fall of FTX will continue to destroy anyone who considered themselves still solvent.

The crypto industry is a bunch of drunks supporting each other, postponing complete collapse for as long as they can in hopes that a miracle will save them. Crypto companies will continue to buy smaller companies to cover holes in their accounts with increasingly larger shells to hide the word pea.

Investigations of FTX and Celsius Network will continue to reveal shocking findings, of the kind that came to light following the QuadrigaCX collapse. Even worse than what we’ve seen so far.

Binance or Tether is likely to drop in 2023. More likely Binance. (But then we thought Tether would go down for good in December 2017.)

The same guys who created FTX from scratch will try to create another crypto futures market out of nowhere to replace FTX. Laundromats need to wash. Wintermute was selected for the job, but they may be even more shonki than the FTX team.

Bitcoin price continues to fall. We don’t see any potential new buyers putting real money into the system anytime soon.

Dollar Pax (including Binance USD) and USDC stablecoins backed by the cryptosystem’s only real dollars are likely to be significantly depleted in 2023. This may or may not be done in an orderly fashion.

US banks that have seen a huge opportunity in the somewhat off-white spot market are going to be closely scrutinized by regulators, and are likely to be heavily constrained or even shut down.

The remaining positive public perception of cryptocurrency has been completely destroyed, and it will remain so. The future of finance will increasingly be associated with frauds, scams and amateur scammers like Sam Bankman-Fried.

The public is pissed and the legislators are pissed. Regulators are trying their luck to act while they can. The SEC will be more aggressive in its enforcement actions pretty much every token on DeFi is an unregistered penny stock under US rules, and always has been. The CFTC and Justice Department have already started making arrests for DeFi market shenanigans, like the bust of Avi Eisenberg just after Christmas. Market manipulation has always been illegal, but the laws are finally being enforced.

Crypto still hasn’t come up with anything dumber than NFTs. But you know they will keep trying.

Image: British newspaper astrologer Mystic Meg has never made predictions about anything as silly as cryptocurrency.

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