The hottest new attempt by Cryptos to scam you out of your money

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Image: Getty Images

Beep, boop, BONK.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t bug. Bonk is the sound of crypto traders’ foreheads slamming against their desks as the icy crypto winter in which everyone has lost their bags of money is forging. Bonk is the sound of the error message appearing on the screens of crypto owners trying to withdraw funds from their hectic FTX, now held by a fraudster. And, according to Vice, Bonk is the sound of another doge-adjacent shitcoin popping up in the market, ready to take cash out of the hands of young Twitter incels.

BONK apparently launched on Solana in December and calls itself a coin for the people and by the people, though I think a more accurate tagline might be for the plebs and by cyborg billionaires. Their official doc also states that it is a dog-themed memecoin that gives everyone a chance. Vice reports that the value of BONK has increased by 2,500% since its launch and is now worth $0.00000258.

You’d think the crypto community would have learned its lesson after SHIB (short for Shiba Inu) and DOGE, the one who disgraced Twitter CEO Elon Musk for five seconds, disappeared on the social media platform, so that value plummets after hosting Saturday Night Live. You’d also think the developers would come up with better names, but again, you’d be wrong. Maybe we should call this one THUD instead. More precise, right?

Not all crypto owners, you will tell me! Who am I kidding, none of us say that. I just hope the impressionable 20-somethings on Reddit don’t eat this shit up like a plate of chicken and waffles from Roscoes, falling prey to paid ads from pseudo-crypto influencers like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Save your hard-earned money for more profitable investments, my darlings. Like Brad Pitts, a depraved sexless skincare line. Or, just do like Tom Brady and Gisele: donate exactly 0.1% of your wealth to charity and no more.

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