Male violence against women is a problem for men, not women, to solve

If the best time to start fixing this problem was a century ago, the second best time would be now, but even though half the world lives in fear, the will seems to be lacking.

Men kill women for many reasons – jealousy, anger, hatred of women – but mostly they kill them because they can.

Society – meaning you and me – offers them little or no protection.

I have written previously on these pages about teaching self-defense to women.

Most come with fixed ideas about what they will do if a guy attacks them – kicking a ball or holding a lock between the fingers and trying to punch it are two of the most popular.

Given that nature quickly teaches us guys how painful it can be, kicking a ball at a guy is incredibly difficult – our reflexes can stop or parry even the most determined of attacks.

And holding the lock between your fingers while punching someone will cause far more damage to the webbed skin between your fingers, and indeed your locks, than it would to any man.

That is if they manage to react.

We hear all the time about the “fight or flight” instinct, but we never hear about the third “f”, which happens much more often than we admit – freezes.

Despite a lifelong interest in boxing and martial arts and a fair few years of training, it has happened to me in violent situations.

I remember being hit in the head and the world just stopping, as if I were outside myself, and my limbs didn’t respond. There is not anything. Tone.

Deep in whatever cortex controls our most prehistoric survival responses, a signal is sent that complete silence is the best strategy.

Even after the next hit landed, my brain still believed it was right, and I lost a tooth as a result.

This response often makes victims of sexual violence not scream, run, fight.

Many women have told me that their survival strategy is to hold on to a certain point, and then work it out.

Is this what we want in 2022? A society and a world where women have to be prepared to accept this kind of physical and emotional abuse just for a chance to survive?

Before the letters to the editor started pouring down the stairs – I know, I know, “not all men”.

But if you’re a man and reading this, ask yourself – when was the last time I made a conscious decision to make a woman feel safe. based on his reading of a particular situation?

That last part is important – not because you want to come across as the friendly guy in the bus line or hold the gym door open to let him go before you, but because you see something and think, “I better make sure he understands that. I’m not a threat here, and that means not making eye contact and going the other way.”

Because what we think of as cues that offer security – hands on elbows, leaning on someone in line for a bus – are the opposite of making women feel safe.

If we do these things to make us feel better, than they are, it’s performative — and maybe even more intimidating.

If you’re a man, when was the last time you spoke in a pub when someone called a woman a whore or a whore or a geebag?

When was the last time you took the risk of being told “it was just a joke” because you weren’t going to take this anymore?

Consequences, especially social ones, have a huge impact on our behavior – that’s why you don’t go home and call your mom over Sunday dinner.

By mentioning such things as they cross our paths, we begin to reset everyone’s expectations of what is acceptable.

All of these things – self-absorbed savior behavior, misogynistic language, and at the very least placing the responsibility for this violence on women and not men – are what make a culture that allows some men (yes, okay, not all men to do that). men) – to believe that they are entitled to women, to their care, to their affection, to their love, to their bodies, and to their lives.

We do not.

There is nothing in the world that women need to change to solve this problem. It’s not their problem to solve.

This is my problem, and the problem of everyone reading this.

And it’s time for us to finish it.

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