2022 Was A Bad Year For Celebrity Men

Photo-illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Getty Images

Try to name just one good person. You can not. The only one close to a nice guy is Chris Pine, and he’s not a guy; he is a demigod. The unfortunate and very obvious truth is that 2022 hitherto will be known as the year men simply failed.

There are many ways for a person to be questioned, some objectively worse than others, and men find them all this year. There are people with an unbearable lack of self-awareness, screaming cancel culture to millions of viewers. There are people whose long history of accusations of abuse has done nothing to dissuade people from coming to their defense or giving them MTV VMA cameos. Did you know Louis CK won a Grammy this year? If anyone is concerned that these people don’t get a chance to apologize, learn, and grow, you can be sure they will be rewarded.

It was a very embarrassing year for a man with too much money. Over the summer, Jeff Bezos reportedly wanted to pay to dismantle and reassemble a bridge in the Netherlands so his big, stupid ship could pass through. Eventually, the superyacht was diverted after locals threatened to throw old eggs at it, something that was supposed to be a consequence of being one of the richest people in the world. Earlier this year, Elon Musk officially acquired Twitter, and we were rewarded with months of terror. After firing nearly half of Twitter’s employees, some of them just happened to be fired spoke out against Musk, we were made to witness the odd internal email Musk sent to the remaining Twitter employees. (Words very hard in a work email should get you automatically reported to HR (that is, if Twitter still has an HR department.) Then, for reasons unknown to man, Musk tweeted a picture of his bedside table, decorated with several cans of decaf Diet Coke, two revolver, and various water stains that may have come from lots of Coke. If nothing else, this is further confirmation that all the money in the world can’t buy your taste buds.

Speaking of bad taste, Drake decided his collaboration album with 21 Savage was a good time to claim that Megan Thee Stallion lied about being shot by Tory Lanez. (Lanez is currently under house arrest, awaiting trial.) Why? Maybe the same reason he thought to make a fake Mode cover is a great idea. (He and 21 Savage are now being sued by Cond Nast for promotional stunts.)

Among the most questionable men this year are the cringey men who embody pain. Theres Adam Levine and his chilling texts. It’s only a matter of time before we get Maroon 5’s single I May Need to See the Booty (Fuckkkkkkkkk). Unfortunately it will feature Robin Thicke. There was the Try Guy cheating scandal which validated our cultural suspicions Wife Boy. And while Liam Payne claims that Simon Cowell started it [his] face and doing the rest to make One Direction not directly related to his dating life, it felt representative of him. Payne seems like the kind of guy who can’t shut up about how much he likes to put women down (i.e., someone who is terrible at oral sex).

I would be remiss not to mention the Whining Little Baby years. These are people who have to overcome adversity like an omelette and a pen. They should not be confused with men who refuse to act their age, as evidenced by the person they are dating: a 50-year-old man who met his fiancé when he is still a teenager and a 47-year-old man who owns affair with a woman who could have gone to high school with their daughter. To quote the old adage, you don’t like MILFs; You’re 30 that’s an age-appropriate woman.

Somehow, in 2022, there are men who still make hypermasculinity their everything. These range from supplement scams King of Hearts to the man who proudly bears the title of King of Toxic Masculinity. These people share a single collective brain cell with people who are bound to comment on this post with some variation of What If a Man Said About a Woman?? Honey, wake up. They really are.

Then there are the really bad people, people whose names don’t need to be repeated lest they get a shred of attention. They both have a guest on the Alex Jones podcast or Alex Jones himself.

Oh no! My Man in Question Music Play-Offs started, and there are still a lot of people I haven’t mentioned. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten you, Ricky GervaisMatt Gaetz, Brad Pitt, Tom Brady, Tristan Thompson and most other guys Love is blind!

Guys, I’m rooting for you! Here’s hoping you can put it together in 2023.