Stressed in April | Off the Record – Chico Enterprise-Record

April is National Stress Awareness Month. Honestly, I have to wonder about the guy who thought it would be a good idea to spend 30 whole days becoming aware of stress. I mean focusing 720 hours on stress just seems, well, stressful.

And does it really take 43,200 minutes to become aware of stress? I do not think so. It only takes me one of 2,592,000 seconds in a month to become aware of stress and it happens every morning when the alarm goes off.

The proverbial “they” say signs of stress include loss of appetite, overeating, insomnia, sleepiness, lack of energy and hyperactivity. Yes, ok, even the symptoms of stress are stressful, not to mention that they are contradictory and even the quietest people might worry about their stress levels.

Am I not sleeping because I’m stressed or just not tired? Am I sleeping so much because I’m stressed or just exhausted? Is my energy level down because I need more sleep or because I’m stressed? Am I just really productive today or am I going through the things I need to do at light speed because I’m stressed? Am I eating more today because I’m really hungry or stressed? Am I not eating much today because I’m not hungry or stressed?

The diagnosis of self-stress could make you go back and forth, which is probably another sign of stress or that you’ve been cloned, neither of which is very comforting.

I have personal stress indicators. For example, when I get upset or have to remind myself (out loud) that the stress ball is for squeezing and not for throwing at other people, I know I’m stressed. When, first thing in the morning, I brew coffee and brew tequila, that’s a sure sign I’ve hit the wall. When I fantasize about having a nervous breakdown and the fantasy includes me in a padded room wearing a hot pink sequin shift jacket and a hot pink sequin headpiece with a silver unicorn horn, I know I’m stressed.

It’s times like these that I try to remember to just take a moment, an hour, a day at a time, and then take deep, deep breaths. This often helps, but there are days when I feel like the whole ding dang week has ganged up on me.

It is inevitably when someone says, “this too shall pass.” Yeah, like a kidney stone, Skippy, like a kidney stone. Worse than this platitude is when some poor unsuspecting soul, trying to “help” me, trying to “support” me, utters the two most dangerous words in the English language: “calm down.” Yeah, telling me to calm down is like giving a bath to a wild cat. This is a very, very bad idea and can lead to eye gouging. Or, also for the purpose of being “useful” and “sustainable”, someone says to me: “You are strong, suck it a little longer and you will be fine.” It just brings out my inner child, Myrtle, who I have to refrain from breaking both of my legs and telling them to “just suck it and get it away.”

Equally bad is when I’m so stressed that I feel like a human internet browser with 17 tabs open (three of which are frozen and I don’t know where the music is coming from) and someone one says, “It’s a blessing in disguise.” Really? It just sends me down the rabbit hole wondering, why the hell do blessings wear disguises? What’s wrong to present themselves as themselves with rays of golden light and harp music and to smell like lavender?’ Explain that to me, will you please?

Some days, I’m the queen of serenity. Other days, I have a nervous breakdown just trying to get those plastic bags of groceries to “open here.” Or, my decision-making skills are like a squirrel crossing the road. Where should I go? This way? No, over here? No, back the other way. Hesitate. Splat. Kill on the road.

Stress also affects memory, but I have to question anyone who suggests I start taking Prevagen which is, according to the manufacturer, “formulated with apoaequorin, which was originally discovered in jellyfish… and uniquely supports brain function.” Wait what? You want me to take something for brain health derived from an invertebrate that doesn’t even have a brain? I may be on the wrestling bus, but have you lost your mind?

Earlier this week, while tidying up the house, I came across three random screws lying around. I just assumed they were three of my cowards who had finally given up. I put them away in my jewelry box. There are a dozen now.

There’s really only one good thing about feeling stressed, and that’s if you can, in the moment, find ways to remember that the word has its own remedy. All you have to do is spell it backwards – dessert – then grab the nearest chocolate cake and a fork.