Let Fear Help You Focus After Cancer

Sixteen years ago, next month, I learned that I had inflammatory breast cancer in my right breast. Today I looked in the mirror and had a momentary scare. For some reason, at first glance, my remaining breast looked discolored. In an instant panic, I started trying to get myself together in a good headspace.

During my panic, my husband came in and asked what was wrong. I asked him to look and see if he saw anything wrong. He does not have. Then he assured me that everything seemed fine. I felt a bit stupid because my eyes were clearly playing tricks on me.

I share this with you to say that no matter how far from your diagnosis, you can still experience these moments. We talk about it in relation to scans and before dates, but we don’t talk much about those ambushing us – like my moment did today. It came out of nowhere.

Is one more difficult to manage than the other? Scans and appointments, versus unannounced. Do you ever get to the point where neither is happening?

Most people I talk to don’t get to the point where neither ever happens. In my experience, their frequency can decrease over time. A counselor used the following illustration with me when talking about trauma. She said it’s like getting on a bus and the trauma is sitting in the front seat next to you. You might make a few more stops and the trauma moves further back. Then suddenly, the bus driver slams on the brakes and BOOM! Trauma is back in the front seat. The beauty is that every time a trauma comes up in the front seat, the rate at which it comes back up increases.

In my 16 years as a cancer survivor, I would say that image has held true for me, in terms of the fear of recurrence. There are times, depending on what else is going on in my life, where it finds its way into my mind. But with each passing year, it gets a little easier to move it back.

When those moments come, no matter how far along your cancer journey you are, I say, use them. Use them to make you pause and think. Are you living from the core of who you want to be? Are you honoring your purpose and your passion? Anyway, that looks like for you If it’s as simple as smiling at those you see on the street, do you do that? If not, then please let these moments inspire you to take the time to be who you want to be.

Today I chose to use this fear as a reminder to live my life from my centered self. The me who does not want to have regrets or fears. I chose to come home early from work and sit down to write. It’s something I haven’t done in a very long time. I chose to do it today because after this morning it was the right thing for me to do. Because in my journey as a survivor, it has been important for me to use my words to encourage others. Still, life gets busy. Time flies and words haven’t left my head in a cancer blog for over a year.

If I can use these moments for my good, as terrifying as they are, then I hope you can too!

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