Breast surgeon who had breast cancer: ‘I used to say, ‘Don’t google it.’ First thing I did? Google’ | Breast Cancer

OWhen I was 18, I saw a friend’s father operate while I was intern in a hospital. The minute I walked into that theater and saw that gut heaving, I thought, “This is amazing. I have to do that.

As a breast surgeon, I loved the artistry behind the surgery and how you develop such a close relationship with your patients. But I never checked my boobs regularly. I thought, “I’m a breast surgeon – I’m not going to have breast cancer.” Completely ridiculous.

When I had an ultrasound for a lump, I looked at the screen and instantly knew it was cancer and I needed chemo and a mastectomy. And I had a good idea of ​​my prognosis: I thought I had a 60 to 70% chance of being alive in 10 years.

I was treated at the hospital where I trained; my former colleagues performed my operation. Everyone was trying to be very professional, but as I walked into the theater, I could feel the excitement in the room. I wanted to say to my surgeon, “Can you use these sutures? And can you put the drain here? And can you put on this bandage? She asked me to stop and said, “Be patient.” I trusted him completely, but letting go of control was really hard for me.

I didn’t have the impact of having breast cancer before it happened to me. I only knew the basics of the side effects of chemotherapy, because that was the job of the oncologist. Then suddenly, oh my god: brain fog, constipation, how the symptoms of menopause can affect your relationship. And grief for the things you lost. My husband and I had no children and we knew chemo would more than likely render me infertile.

I had 18 months off to recover and plan a route back to work. It was really very hard. The first time I saw someone find out she had cancer, she was young, and I saw her and her husband break down, and I just thought, ‘I can’t fix this. I had flashbacks, thinking that was what my husband and I looked like.

The first operation I did brought a sense of relief and pride, but also grief for what this woman was about to go through. You’re so desperate to share your own experiences, but it’s not ethically right.

I changed language. I used to say things like, “We’re lucky we caught it early, and it’s good that it didn’t spread.” But no one is lucky enough to have cancer, and no cancer is good to have. I used to say, “Don’t google it.” The first thing I did? Google, middle of the night, metastatic cancer blogs. We need to recognize that people will go online and direct them to the best resources.

I’m embarrassed that I never checked a breast cancer forum before I was diagnosed. It would be helpful if physicians took the time to do this, to get an idea of ​​what patients want when they leave your practice. And I never listened to patients at conferences because I was too busy networking and hearing about the latest treatments. Everyone should listen to the patient’s experience.

Five months after I returned to work, my cancer returned. That meant having my implant removed, no more radiation, having my ovaries removed. And that meant I was forced to retire because I couldn’t move my left arm, so I couldn’t operate safely. Twenty years of my life had passed and I was in despair. Now, by speaking, blogging and making videos, I have my own way of helping people. But it’s hard having to rediscover yourself when it wasn’t your choice.

I don’t remember the last operation I did. I got my biopsy results the next day and never went back. I wonder if, if I had known it was my last operation, I would have done things differently. Would I have been better or worse because the pressure was there? I really, really miss being in this room where people come together to make a difference in someone’s life.

Dr Liz O’Riordan is a Breast Surgeon, Author, Podcaster and Instagrammer @oriordanliz. his memoirs, Under the Knife: Life Lessons from the Operating Roomis published by Unbound.

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