Marble Arch: Climb the Six Million Pounds London Hill

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Simon Calder, aka The Man Who Pays His Way, has been writing about travel for The Independent since 1994. In his weekly opinion column, he explores a major travel issue – and what that means for you.

Fate, as any mountaineer will confirm, can be tough. You must know when to admit defeat.

My training regimen involves walking long distances without using an escalator, from the central line platform to ground level at the Marble Arch subway station. With each of the 146 steps, he gained me strength and hope. However, my dreams will soon be shattered.

Fate intervenes in the form of a guard blocking my way to the new artificial hill that fills the void on Passage Island by John Nash’s Arc de Triomphe. “You have to book in advance,” she insisted, adding that all tickets for the day are gone.

Withdrawing to base camp is the only option. Cross the road to Pret a Manger.

So far, my pain has not yielded any gains. From the mezzanine, I look down at my still-unclimbed opponent—and search for my dwindling supply.

A few smears of beetroot are all that’s left of the falafel and mashed chickpea rolls I was supposed to see during the morning.

It’s time to dig deep. Buried in the pocket of my saloon all-terrain credit card. Within minutes, I had a whole wheat roll of avocado, olives, and sun-dried tomatoes, along with a latte. It lifted my spirits.

Speaking of credit cards: Westminster City Council now has a £6m void in its accounts. Residents pay the six million pound bill, which is double the estimated cost.

I check into the Mound website to see, in fact, that some tickets are available early in the evening. ping! Not instructions for self-isolation, but an email attachment with a barcode. I wonder…

Sometimes you have to hold your nerve and take a chance. I ignored Pret convenience and wifi and tried again. I’m technically seven hours early, but the barcode lets me in.

Deep breath (I’m not bringing extra oxygen) and ascent begins.

The Incas were on the right track, forming steps of bare rock to make treks across the towering Andes more rewarding. But frankly, South American civilization missed a trick. The steel staircase with sturdy handrails makes the trek experience so much easier than taking the Inca Trail over the 14,000-foot Dead Woman Trail to Machu Picchu.

Mountaineers can focus so closely on the prize awaiting them so high that they fail to appreciate the surroundings. I pause to appreciate what the council calls a “green aesthetic that includes an overlay of foliage, encompassing grass, trees, and associated greenery”—a feature notably missed on my recent mountaineering attempt on the bleak, treeless Aconcagua in Argentina.

As I make a final push on the summit that is mysteriously marked on my map as W1H 7EL, the edges of my altimeter were about 79 feet – and it tells me that if I had brought a kettle, the water would have boiled at only 99.79 degrees Celsius, rather than the full sea – level 100 c.

Just as you can see Mount Kenya from the top of Kilimanjaro, anyone conquering Marble Arch can see the top of the Shard and the London Eye.

I imagine the view from any of those perches on the artificial hill is less impressive. But with a fifth of Oxford Street’s shops permanently closed as a result of the pandemic, and turnout rates down to less than half of pre-Covid levels, something had to be done.

The budget may be hugely over-budgeted and disappointing, but it got people talking. And unlike Aconcagua, it is located within Zone 1 of the London Underground. If you’re in the capital before September (when you’ll be paid £4.50), check out the £6m.

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