Understanding the rejection of responsibility as a form of verbal abuse

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Whenever we disagreed on anything, let alone argued, it was impossible to move forward. Honestly, I only saw what was happening long afterward because I mistakenly believed he wanted what I wanted. But, looking back, our interactions were stuck on a giant hamster wheel or tape loop, like a personal version of the movie Groundhog Day. No matter where we started it would usually end up being my fault. And if I wasn’t blamed, he was off the hook. I took it in a lie, it was at the beginning and not important. He said: If you had asked the right question, I would have answered you. I didn’t have words to describe it back then, but I am doing it now. The pattern was remarkably difficult to see at the time.

It is a story of rejection of blame and verbal abuse. All verbal abuse is about power and control. Verbal abuse can be one-off in a relationship that is relatively healthy, yes people lose it sometimes, but it dominates in relationships that are defined by an imbalance of power. The victim of abuse is always the least powerful person in the relationship, and the person with the power uses verbally abusive behavior to maintain control. The distribution of power can be based on real facts when the relationship is not between equals such as that of parent and child, teacher and student, coach and teacher. mentee, or a boss and an employee, for example. But it also happens in relationships that appear to be, on the surface at least, among peers. In these relationships, the imbalance may be based on finances (a person needs other resources), emotional connection or investment (a person is more engaged in the relationship or significantly more emotionally dependent), or a negative emotion. (the helpless person is afraid of the one in power or is ashamed to publicly declare that he has been mistreated).

One form of verbal abuse that is under-discussed is blame transfer, which serves a number of functions. Its most obvious use is to divert attention and any relevant discussion from person to person, this maintains the control the blame wants.

Use deviation to stay in control (and assert innocence)

In intimate relationships, the abuser uses what they know about you to gain an advantage at home. If, for example, you have a tendency to avoid confrontations or to back down is your first line of defense, deflection will be the first tool that the blame can hit because it is very effective. The tactic often looks like this: If you weren’t so angry all the time, I wouldn’t have had to lie. At the moment, because you are really angry, it might seem reasonable and you might, just maybe, feel bad about yourself, which is the point.

Sometimes blame rejection gets confused with gaslighting, manipulation to make you doubt what you thought happened actually happened, or any other tactic that makes you doubt your perceptions. Let’s say disagreement involves someone breaking something they’ve promised to do; the blame rejection here might be: because you’re never happy with anything I do, I didn’t see the point in trying. Again, the blame rejecter sees what he didn’t do as a reflection of your actions. If he or she is right to worry about being a complainant, it’s just about the money,

Source: Photograph by Eric Ward on Unsplash / Royalty Free

Deep in the rabbit hole and other manipulations

The blame-duster is often able to maintain control because threats work when there is an imbalance of power. When your intimate turns to you and says, “Well, if you’re so upset why don’t you go?” It’s yet another deflection tactic. That you’re just a crybaby who likes to whine; the threat makes you singularly alert and panicked. The next words that will come out of your mouth will probably be: but I don’t want to leave. It’s the bell that signals the game’s over.

Responsibility shift is subtle, which is why it works so well

Unlike more overt forms of verbal abuse such as name calling, expression of contempt or derision, blame rejection draws its energy from the information the abuser has about you; usually the manipulation depends on your typical behavior (avoiding conflict or being a peacemaker) or something that you believe to be true about yourself (such as being anxious or anxious). Instead of admitting that he lied to you or deliberately misled you, the abuser softens his face and says: I was trying to spare you the pain because I know you are too sensitive and emotional. . Notice how this statement uplifts the abuser, on the one hand, and demeans you, on the other. It’s a verbal sleight of hand, but not really magic.

See the change of blame in context

When parents place the blame on a child, it is very damaging since the child absorbs everything that is said to be the truth; it reframes the parents’ action as being the child’s fault: if you listened to me in the first place, I wouldn’t have to scream. Or, if you were a good kid, I wouldn’t have to punish you. This type of abuse is closely linked to the designation of scapegoats.

In adult relationships, this usually cements the status quo and energizes toxic relationships. It is only when the target begins to view blame rejection as poisonous and controlling behavior that, just like in a fairy tale, the spell is broken.

Copyright 2021 by Peg Streep

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