My son seems to blame me for his anxiety. How can we reconnect? | Mental Health

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My 22 year old son is about to start his third year of a four year course and he lives at home. He has always been calm and introverted, but popular. Three years ago, when one of his sisters questioned him about why he never tells us anything, he confided that he suffered from anxiety and felt worthless. I felt sad for him and helpless.

We also found out that he smoked cannabis. I threatened to throw him out if he didn’t stop. There were times when he barely got out of his room, and there were times when he was doing better. He tried antidepressants at my suggestion. I also advised him to see a counselor, and he did; he says it helped.

However, our relationship is not good. I have the impression that he blames me for the anxiety he feels and he looks at me with aversion. He says it’s anxiety and frustration and he’s tired of trying to reassure me. He has a completely different relationship with our youngest child, who is 17. They find the same things funny and chat about TV shows. I can feel him tense up and be on his guard whenever I’m around him. We asked what we could do to make things better for him, and he said treat him “normally”. We have tried but get frustrated when we get nothing in return for it.

My husband can take a step back from the situation and be more relaxed with him, but I don’t know how to move forward.

You try so hard to work things out; I think you project a lot of your own feelings onto your son and it is upsetting for him.

Ruth Glover, a psychotherapist, wondered if your son “couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate with you”. Impossible, because he’s too depressed or has trouble expressing himself, or wouldn’t, because that’s his way of trying to establish some separation with you – ” which, while painful and frightening for both of you, is an important part of growing up ”. Since he communicates with others, the latter seems more likely. Although hurtful for you, this is the best solution. As a calm, introverted person, he can find this transition period difficult. He is no longer a child but he still lives at home. Glover was interested in his relationship with his teenage sister and wondered if he found it easier to relate to her. “With the pressures and expectations of young adults, he may be worried about his future and not feel ready. Some young people take longer than others to take this step.

Glover said this time is often difficult for parents, who may feel responsible and yet powerless to help, as the intensity of emotions makes communication more difficult. “You think he’s not communicating with you, but he’s listening to you: he’s been to the GP, tried antidepressants and even goes to a consultation, following your suggestions. These are great things and you helped him find them. But we must also listen to it. He told you that he needs you to treat him normally. She further noted that he went back to college twice after false starts, which shows incredible resilience – you have to hang in there.

We both felt that it must be a compulsion for him to try to look “good” when he probably doesn’t know what is wrong. He may also try not to disappoint you – a heavy burden on a child. I have said in the past that parents should be the backbone their children can lean on, and it seems the opposite is happening here. I also think your posts are confusing: do this [smoke cannabis] and i will reject you, but hey son what’s wrong tell me.

Try to reconnect with him without talking about it: “What did you like to do together when he was younger? Glover asked. But don’t use it for leverage, just leave it alone. “And stop trying to be reassured from him.” You mention in your longer letter that you are concerned that he will turn into your brother, which is obviously a projection; he is not. You must see your son as he is. You have to keep your business separate from his. He is talking to someone to help him – is there someone who can support you? Glover’s last words were, “Just step back, because your step forward causes him to step back.” We suggest telling him something like, “I’m here for you if you need me,” then taking a back seat to let him breathe.

Some organizations that may be of help: Young Minds; Talk to Franck

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri discusses a family problem sent by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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