Emotional intelligence: 5 ways to deal with criticism

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It has happened to all of us. You dwelled on something – a presentation, a design, a product concept, etc. – for someone to tell you that you forgot a critical fault or a better solution. It’s even worse when that person is someone you respect, or maybe someone you’re meant to lead. The worst? When you know they’re right.

It can sting, that’s for sure. The good news is that managing criticism is a skill, and like any skill, it can be developed through practice and understanding.

Dealing with criticism is a skill, and like any skill, it can be developed through practice.

It is important to recognize that it is also a process. You may have heard of the stages of grieving – starting with shock and denial, through anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately, if the process is allowed to run its course, leading to acceptance – a place from which to move forward. Something similar happens when we receive criticism, and handling them well means recognizing the process and having a helpful response every step of the way.

[ How does your EQ stack up? Read also: Emotional intelligence test: 5 self-evaluation tools for leaders. ]

Here’s how to respond to each step as you go through it:

1. Pause and listen

Criticism naturally triggers our “fight or flight” circuits – so you will need to consciously turn off the autopilot and resist the urge to react or defend yourself. Take the time to engage your listening skills and just absorb what is being said so you can unwrap it later. You may not be able to process the content right now, especially if your emotions are running high. Just listen to the person and always end the conversation by saying “thank you”. More on that later.

2. Depersonalize the message

Our natural response is the opposite of that. They say ‘this color doesn’t work’ and we mean ‘you are bad at picking colors’. They say “this deployment strategy is not thought out” and we hear “you are a bad strategic thinker”. Instead, consciously focus on the job itself, where it belongs. If you are so attached to the job that even it feels like a personal attack, it is a signal to re-evaluate your relationship with the product. You are the path of the work in the world, not the work itself.

3. Find the other person’s truth

Make it say more, even if you probably want the opposite at that point.

Criticism is always a response to something, and your task is to figure out what triggers it. Ask the person to elaborate on the points that you find yourself resisting. Make it say more, even if you probably want the opposite at that point. It is very important not to focus on how to overcome criticism or find weaknesses.

To improve is to follow coaching and use it, not to prove that it is wrong. Try to get to a point where you see what they see. That doesn’t mean they’re always right – you may know something they don’t know, for example – but you won’t really know it until you see their truth as they experience it.

4. Integrate and engage

The whole object of criticism is to improve the work. Once you’ve found the valuable information in the review, make it your mission to embed that information into the work and make it stronger, better, and more powerful – whatever that means for everything you do. Once you hold the critic’s truth in your hands, you own it and can direct its power to serve your purposes – which is pretty impressive, really.

This all leads to the last step of the process:

5. Acknowledgments

Thoughtful and constructive feedback is a gift and should be appreciated as such. Someone who has taken the time to formulate constructive coaching is making an effort – on your behalf. Criticism is also uncomfortable, so appreciate the work it takes to get that point across. A preview of your work is priceless, and you can’t get it any other way. Adopt a grateful attitude towards criticism and always thank the person who brings you this gift.

When the criticism is unfair

What if the review seemed genuinely unfair? Or not well delivered? Or what if we sincerely think they think they are wrong? Think back to grief and its stages. How often are our losses unjust, even tragically? However, it does not change the process or the path of growth. The same is true of criticism – if our responses at each stage are the same for any criticism, reasonable or not, well delivered or inferior, the result will always be the same: improvement and growth.

Accepting criticism will never be a pleasant experience. No matter how well you do it, it will still be painful. But take the time to respond thoughtfully to each step as you go through it, and next time you’re at the reception you’ll have more to show than just scars.

[ Read also: Teaching an elephant to dance – a free eBook on leading teams during digital transformation. ]

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