How to stay resilient under enormous pressure

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Everyone at one time or another has faced severe criticism in the workplace. It makes them feel small, angry and / or misunderstood. As Joseph Grenny said in Harvard Business Review, “Critical comments are traumatic because they threaten two of our most basic psychological needs: security (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of esteem of self, self-esteem, or self-confidence). “

A person who has a low level of emotional intelligence (EQ) is even more affected. This article will discuss ways to recover from criticism and respond with a high QE strategy when under stress.

EQ has a lot to do with empathy, but what some of my clients fail to recognize is that having high EQ doesn’t just mean empathizing with others. It’s also about having empathy for ourselves. But how, in the moment, can you empathize with yourself when you are criticized by a supervisor?

While many workplaces are becoming increasingly knowledgeable about how trauma affects people’s behavior and their ability to cope with harsh comments, many bosses still have no idea how anxiety-provoking it can be. . This means that it’s up to you to learn how to calm yourself down when this happens. It’s understandable that this can be difficult, but remember, it’s not impossible. As soon as you can, get away from yourself and start to be curious (your imagination is key here) about what may be going on with your supervisor. Empower yourself by taking control of your thoughts; anxiety often rises when we feel out of control.

When you are criticized (and in an unconstructive way), how do you react with a high EQ?

One of the classic antidotes for calming the over-reactive “reptile” brain (the primitive part of our brain that takes the fight-or-flight approach) is to gather more information and come up with a plan.

One of my clients, I’ll call him Andy, was berated by his boss for not completing a project on time. Andy was already having a rough day. His cat was sick and he had to take her to the vet at sunrise in order to get to work on time. Once at work, he stopped by to help a stuck teammate solve a work issue, and it took him two (unplanned) overtime hours.

Now he is faced with an unusual boss. What should he do? Fortunately, Andy remembered in advance what we had repeated in my office. He was able to identify the negative voice in his head that accused him of not being good enough to meet the boss’s expectations. Instead of falling into defeat, he was able to tell his reptile brain this magical deactivation slogan that we had memorized and played together: “Thanks for sharing, I have this. Maybe he should have said this to himself 20 times in a working day, but it kept him from reflecting his boss’s overly emotional behavior and reacting in the same way.

The next day, Andy was able to communicate to his boss (appropriately) that he believed the boss had behaved inefficiently. To his credit, the boss agreed and apologized. Andy believes his own calm demeanor and genuine delivery made this positive outcome possible, and I agree.

The job of the reptile brain is to protect us from injury and help us survive. Since he doesn’t know the difference between a real physical (think saber-toothed tiger) and psychological threat, he trades precision for speed and thinks he’s helping us. The trick is to recognize it and slow it down, and this wonderful self-talk phrase acts as an instant debugging mechanism. It’s even better that no one knows you’re telling yourself that in your head!

Here’s how to develop empathy for yourself in five steps:

1. Imagine putting yourself in the other person’s shoes: try to see things from their point of view. You can lighten your mood (and anxiety) by inventing a guessing game: what do you think happened to them today that causes them to behave in a harsh way? Did they argue with their spouse? Did they lose a project file they were working on because they forgot to save it? It takes the attention away from you and puts it directly on the other person.

2. Inhabit their feelings: Can you feel what they are feeling right now? Can you make out what they are thinking? If so, are they logical and rational or are they overwhelmed with strong emotions? Being able to understand them better will help you calm down. If they’re logical and rational, you can stay in the conversation. If not, you can request a postponement at a better time for both of you.

3. Breathe and release negative energy while you ground yourself: try taking three deep breaths, counting to 10. This will help reset your autonomic nervous system and you should calm down. If you’re still restless, start counting down from 100 to 3: 100, 97, 94, etc. By accessing the logical side of your brain, you are less likely to be sidetracked by strong emotions.

4. Respond, don’t react: Once you get to the logical side of your brain, you are no longer in a fight or flight response. Instead, you are better able to respond logically and rationally. Access and talk about your assertiveness skills by asking for more information. Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you. Then respond by defending yourself in a non-offensive way.

5. Remember that no one has a perfect equalizer. Once you have a calm, clear, and rational understanding of what went wrong, assess your behavior to see if you made a mistake. If you have, see it as an opportunity to learn something for the next time. Go into analytical mode and file the information under “Grist for the Mill” instead of berating yourself.

Practice these five steps and you are on your way to building a higher EQ, even in a terrible time!

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