Three ways to deal with criticism without losing your temper

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Let’s talk about that dreaded f-word, feedback, aka a nicer word for criticism. When I was in college, an environment rich in feedback, a colleague told me that she didn’t want to be with me because I was too messy. I wasn’t at all sure what that meant, but I made it up that she meant I was too emotional, reckless, immature, and irresponsible. Let’s be clear, I never verified with her that this was what she was telling me. But his comments annoyed me for years.

As a result, I tried to be less messy, more in control, and more organized. And maybe that was a good thing. But it also held back my personal expression and my creativity. I was a little too buttoned up. I had taken his review far too personally.

When someone gives you their comments or criticisms, it’s often more about them than you. It reflects things that annoy them or behaviors they can’t be with. Even so, you are well served to listen to them and hear them.

Let me share with you the three tips I took from my experience as a leader and leader coach.

1. Find the core of truth.

I heard a saying years ago: If there’s any truth to this shitty wagon, admit it and keep going. The key to turning criticism into something useful is to listen to the fundamental truth embedded in the message, and then use it to improve your performance as a leader. Keep busy working on the things you can change.

2. Breathe in and count to ten, then sleep on it.

When someone criticizes you, take a deep breath and count to ten before speaking. The feedback you receive won’t always be pretty. It might sound like, you always or you never These are fighting words! But that doesn’t mean you have to engage the reptilian brain. This oldest part of the human brain has only three super-limited responses: fight, flee, or freeze. You don’t want to do all of this either at work or with your coworkers. Instead, you want to stay calm and listen.

3. Reflect what you have heard.

This third trick requires new skills. Mirroring is a learning tool that works in a lot of different communication contexts. It is the process of accurately reflecting the content of a message from a sender. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing, which is a statement in your own words of what you have heard.

Mirroring shows that you are ready to move beyond your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and try to understand what your sender is communicating from their perspective. Mirroring allows your sender to resend their message if you didn’t understand it the first time. The key is to paraphrase until you understand what your sender is really saying.

I remember doing this when a member of my team shares something with me that triggers me or freaks me out. I coach myself in silence: Don’t react, don’t react, don’t react. Instead, I mirror. And I’m asking questions for clarity.

An example.

The sender says, I don’t feel appreciated by you. You’re too busy to really notice what I’m working on or what I’m doing here. Were all quite burnt.

You say, let me see if I understood what you said. You don’t feel like I like you or even notice what you are working on. Others feel exhausted by the team. Is it correct

The sender says, yes, it is. If the answer is No, the sender explains what was missing or added without any criticism.

You ask then, is there more than you want to say? If the sender has more to say, he sends an additional message. You keep reflecting the added information, then ask yourself: is there more? until the sender has completed the message. (The Is There More? Question is important. It helps the sender really communicate all the thoughts and feelings they have about not feeling appreciated.)

If you don’t understand part of what the sender communicated, ask for clarification: can you give me a specific example of what you saw me do or not do? Don’t do what I did in high school and make up a story about what a person really means by their comments.

Finally, let your sender know that what they said made sense to you, and say anything you want to say about correcting what was reported – your frustration makes sense to me. I’ve been too headlong lately. Thank you for having the courage to come and speak to me directly. I will do better.

Being criticized is no fun. It’s one of my least favorite parts of being a leader. But the best leaders I’ve worked with are stable in the face of criticism. They don’t get knocked down by everything that is said about them.

Leadership is not about being popular and having everyone like you. If you do your job well, you will have critics and naysayers. It is not fatal. Don’t let it interfere with your power and influence. Build your muscles to hear critical feedback, figure out what really deserves your attention, and get back to work. Ultimately, you will increase trust, respect, and genuine communication within your team.

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