He says I’m bullying but I feel he’s partly to blame

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DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend works a lot. When he is working, he almost never contacts me. I know he can’t talk while he’s working, but I expect to hear from him at night.

I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks now. When we spoke, he kind of blew me away. He has little to say. When I press him about it, he says he’s tired and he doesn’t like me nagging him.

I don’t think he’s messing around. He sometimes worked double shifts. How can I make him understand my needs without sounding like a nagging girlfriend?

No more hassle

DEAR NO MORE NAGGING: When you’re together and can talk face-to-face, let her know this has been a frustrating time for you.

Point out to her that you want to be supportive of her schedule, but that you also have needs. Describe the kind of attention that makes you happy. Ask him if he’s willing to commit to being more engaged even when he’s busy.

Both of you will need to come to a compromise that you can both manage. This will include you being more understanding when he really doesn’t have time to be in touch and finding small ways to connect with you so you feel connected to him. If you present it to him as something you can both work on, you have a better chance of succeeding.

It’s nobody’s fault. Consider this an opportunity for you to discover ways to care for each other given this difficult situation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a falling out with my sister a few months ago. She can be very immature and avoidant when she knows she’s wrong, so she hasn’t spoken to me at all since we had a fight.

I’m beginning to worry that our estrangement is having a negative effect on my relationship with her daughter, my 7-year-old niece. That’s really my main concern. I’m sure my sister is asking that she not get involved with me.

I miss spending time with my niece and want her to know that our relationship shouldn’t be affected by the little issues her mom and I are having.

How can I be sure that my relationship with my niece will not suffer because of her mother?

Fall

DEAR FALLING-OUT: You have to look at the big picture, which includes you.

Your argument with your sister isn’t just about her. Something happened between you two, and you have to accept some responsibility for anything.

It makes sense that your sister doesn’t want her child to spend time with you if she doesn’t. You’re going to have to work things out with your sister if you think you can continue spending time with her daughter.

Don’t put this completely on your sister. You two have to settle this together.

Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send your questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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