What Happens When You Blame Your Partner and How to Stop

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In my previous post I talked about keeping a simultaneous perspective in relationships about being both an individual and a couple, you are independent and together simultaneously. It’s not easy, most of us slip. When you start blaming your partner for an act, something said, something not done, you have lost sight of your partner as a person who has their own identity. About 100% of the time things won’t go well if you blame instead of argue. When you blame, it’s just someone who did something you didn’t like or offended you.

Here are some examples of mundane but important life events that can cause one partner to blame the other.

Your partner didn’t pay attention when you were talking, you felt ignored. The partner failed to perform an agreed task, for example, he was supposed to tidy up the kitchen for the company and failed to do so. Now we have a messy guest kitchen. The partner spent more than the agreed budget on things he/she likes. Your partner used to check sports scores when you spent time together.

The list is endless. You, the blamer, are often indignant: How could you be so [insert appropriate wordcareless, inconsiderate, lazy, uninterested, irresponsible, uncaring]The blamed, your partner, is very unlikely to accept blame for what happened. He/she has perspective and accountability, which you haven’t asked for. This sets the stage for your partner to become the counter-blamer Now you have the blame game over the conflict.

No good result

Once you move on to blame, there’s nothing but surrender, surrender, kneeling, sulking, sincere apologies with promises never to do it again, or war with “blame” counterclaims, until nausea .

Above all, you miss the real chance to sort out what the problem or concern is, how to solve it, and where the responsibility lies. It doesn’t happen when you choose to blame rather than discuss the situation.

I have come across a variety of anecdotal reasons or motives for why people resort to blaming others. Here are a few:

It can be defensive when the blamer is grappling with something and lashing out at their partner. The culprit is a narcissist. The blamer has constant stress. If the culprit is a woman, it’s hormonal. The culprit has a hidden resentment towards his partner. The culprit is depressed. The blamer learned it from his parents who were blamers. It’s instinctive. The Truth About Blame

Where does the idea that we have the right to independently decide that something our partner has done is blameworthy come from? It certainly didn’t come with our wedding vows; it was about swearing to love, to honor, to cherish, to have and to hold, etc. When you fall into blame, you forgot that your partner is an individual in their own right. You have become an individual seeking what? Let’s see what the blame is.

Your spouse had agreed to tidy up the kitchen for guests who were coming over for dinner one night, but didn’t. You’re angry. You go wild with it, you’re so irresponsible; I can’t count on you for anything! You criticize him for not accomplishing an important task that had been agreed upon.

Your anger is quick, and without having time to think, you fall into the mental error of automatically attributing your partner’s action (inaction in this case) to their character or personality trait of irresponsibility.

Your automatic anger is a quick reaction of the system without proper reflection.1 Reacting automatically with anger, fear and/or hurt are signs that you are taking the situation personally. When you react personally to a situation, you are in your self-protection, I am in this mode alone.

Taking something personally happens when an event means something special to you, something only you can identify. In the example above, it might have been about looking good for the company, not feeling supported enough by him to complete the assigned task, feeling overburdened with household chores , etc. Only you can fix this problem.

Essential Forgiveness Readings

When we automatically react with emotions such as anger, fear, and/or pain, we are likely committing what social scientists call the fundamental attribution error.2 It is the mental tendency we have to explain why people act the way they do because of something about them, for example, their personality traits, rather than because of their circumstances, such as your partner was rushed with other tasks and couldn’t get there.

When our partners do something we don’t like, we’re more likely to take it personally and blame them for having a negative personality or trait. Once you choose to blame, you risk your partner becoming the blamer (i.e. you’re so mean.), and you miss the chance to be a couple and figure out how to fix the situation and accurately assign blame. .

A note about your automatic emotions: Psychiatrist David Viscott describes the ways we talk about these quick-response emotions.3 Anger can be expressed as irritated, angry, upset, upset, furious, enraged, and burned. Fear can be expressed as being scared, angry, nervous, having cold feet, nervous, worried, insecure, tense and shaky. Viscott notes that hurting is a catch-all term that people use to describe all kinds of feelings without admitting too much.

Above all, it’s those quick-reacting emotions that signal you’re taking something personally.

Learn more about the fundamental attribution error: Know that we humans tend to think that others act because of their unique personality traits, temperament, or individual characteristics. This is especially true when we get angry, scared, and/or hurt when we take things personally. Pay attention to your alarm system fast!

By the way, we also have a bias to explain our negative actions due to our circumstances. No bias here, of course.

It won’t go well

There is no good outcome when you blame your partner for something. Here are the bad results:

Your partner, the blamed, will turn into the blamer and conflict will ensue. Your partner stops, you pay the price at the end. You prevent any chance of discussing the situation, finding out what happened and rectifying the situation. How to Stop Blaming: Be Informed and Reflect on Yourself

If you want to stop using blame to hold your spouse accountable, you need to increase your emotional intelligence by paying attention when you’re angry, upset, or hurt by something your spouse has done that you don’t like. In other words, you need to increase your ability to reflect on yourself rather than react in these situations.

Being introspective helps you avoid falling into the mental error of automatically assuming that what happened was due to a negative trait in your spouse. You now understand that we are all at risk of making this kind of mental error when we are angry with our spouses.

Talk to your partner, find out their explanations, assess together why this is important to you (admit your personal point of view on the situation) and figure out how to tidy up the kitchen before the guests arrive!

Once that discussion and resolution has taken place, an apology is a good thing to do.

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