Accept constructive criticism like a champion

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I’ve always envied people who graciously accept constructive criticism. It seems I wasn’t born with this trait, and throughout my career I’ve struggled to receive feedback, even when it was completely accurate. The moment I hear the words of criticism, my heart rate quickens and my mind begins to race first in search of an explanation for this assault on my person, then a cue to rationalize the actions. in question.

And I’m not alone. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, many of us react defensively and angry or, even worse, attack the person giving us feedback. But the truth is that we have to get over it. We know constructive criticism is valuable, otherwise how would we identify weaknesses and areas for improvement? And being able to handle it calmly and professionally will only help us maintain relationships and be more successful in everything we do.

So how do you learn to back down defensively? The next time you receive constructive criticism from your manager or a peer, use this six-step process to handle the meeting with tact and grace.

1. Stop your first reaction

At the first sign of criticism, before you do anything, stop. Truly. Try not to react at all! You will have at least one second to stop your reaction. While a second seems insignificant in real life, it’s plenty of time for your brain to process a situation. And at that point, you can stop a dismissive facial expression or a reactive quip and remind yourself to stay calm.

2. Remember the benefit of getting feedback

Now you have a few seconds to quickly remind yourself of the benefits of receiving constructive criticism, namely, to improve your skills, your work product and your relationships, and to help you meet the expectations your manager and others have of you.

You should also try to limit any reaction you have towards the person providing the feedback. It can be difficult to receive criticism from a co-worker, peer, or someone you don’t fully respect, but remember that accurate and constructive feedback even comes from the wrong sources.

3. Listen to understand

You’ve avoided your usual reaction, your brain is working, and you’ve remembered all the benefits of feedbackhigh-five! Now, you are ready to engage in productive dialogue as your competent, thoughtful self (as opposed to your combative, Mean Girls self).

As the person shares their comments with you, listen carefully. Allow the person to share their full thoughts, uninterrupted. When he’s finished, repeat what you heard. For example, I hear you say you want me to provide more detailed weekly reports, right? At this stage, avoid analyzing or questioning the person’s assessment; focus instead on understanding their comments and point of view. And give the benefit of the doubt here hey, it’s hard to give another person feedback. Recognize that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or not express their ideas perfectly.

4. Say thank you

Then (and it’s a tough part, I know), look the person in the eye and thank them for sharing their feedback with you. Don’t overlook this, be deliberate, and say, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me. Expressing appreciation doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with the assessment, but it does show that you appreciate the effort your colleague has made to assess you and share their thoughts.

5. Ask questions to deconstruct feedback

Now is the time to deal with the comments, you’ll probably want to get some clarity at this point and share your point of view. Avoid getting into a debate; instead, ask questions to get to the root of the real issues raised and possible solutions to address them. For example, if a colleague tells you that you got a little heated in a meeting, here are some ways to deconstruct the feedback:

Look for specific examples to help you understand the problem: I was a bit frustrated, but can you share the time during the meeting when you thought I was getting heated? Acknowledge the unchallenged comments: you’re right that I cut him off while he was talking, and later apologized for that. Try to figure out if this is an isolated issue (e.g., a mistake you made once): have you noticed that I get overheated in other meetings? Look for specific solutions to respond to comments: I’d love to hear your ideas on how I might handle this differently in the future. 6. Ask for time to follow up

I hope that at this point in the conversation you can agree on the issues that have been raised. Once you’ve explained what you’ll be doing in the future and thanked the person for their comments, you can close the conversation and move on.

That said, if it’s a larger issue or something brought up by your boss, you might want to request a follow-up meeting to ask more questions and get agreement on next steps. And that’s OK, it will give you time to process feedback, seek advice from others, and think about solutions.

Constructive criticism is often the only way to learn our weaknesses without it we cannot improve. When we were defensive, instead of accepting and caring, we run the risk of missing out on this important idea. Remember that giving feedback is not easy and certainly not easy to receive, but it will help us now and in the long run.

This article originally appeared on The Daily Muse. To learn more about managing reviews in the office, see:

Nicole Lindsay is a career development expert working on her first book on women and business schools. Connect with her at www.DiversityMBAPrep.com or @MBAMority.

Photo of a woman receiving feedback courtesy of Shutterstock.

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