Is the English countryside racist?

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I don’t know what your plans are for Easter. Mine usually include a nice walk in the English countryside. There is something incalculably consoling in our landscape. I might even find myself leaning over a post and watching Easter lambs as they do that sudden vertical leap, as if they’ve suddenly discovered they’re standing over a geyser.

But maybe I should scour the hills instead for signs of racism that I can then report to the proper authorities.

What am I talking about, some more sensible readers might wonder. Well, I’ve read reports in the British press that the English countryside is about to be investigated by hate crime experts to find out if rural racism lurks there. This deeply rigorous academic exercise is to be carried out by scholars specializing in British colonialism and hate studies, seeking to record the lived realities of the ethnic minorities who live or roam there.

There are times when you can feel all your fingers and toes being trampled. This is such a moment. Consider the lesser of the irritations here. What is a hate crimes expert? And what about that bumf about lived realities? What other kind of reality is there? Could these deluded experts be looking for wholly imaginary realities?

What is a hate crimes expert? And what about that bumf about lived realities?

Perhaps they will, in this case, because it is clear from the wording and the aspirations of this study that this is not a study, but the usual firing squad. I doubt even one of the experts commissioned by the idiot Leverhulme Trust has any knowledge of the English countryside or its history. In fact, I’d bet none of them know anything about colonialism either. All will simply be propelled by the usual list of grievances against our country and everything in it, down to the last hurdle. Why can I say this with such certainty? Because the same verdict continues to be read.

Just last month the BBC website ran a lead story about Muslim backpackers who allegedly suffered abuse because of the Peak District prayer signs. But the abuse was online. It comes as a surprise to most of us, the online world is a buttercup field of fun and harmony.

Yet, it is an important detail that even though no farmer ran up to the hikers and mistreated them, they were still turned into victims. And what was the potential casus belli? This walking group had partnered with various sports brands in a bid to entice more Muslims to hike in the Peak District. Identifying the obstacles to this, they had the idea that there are problems with prayer outside. So they created bespoke prayer rugs and installed signs along one of Derbyshire’s most popular walking routes towards Mecca.

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I have no doubt that, as with anything in relation to the Muslim faith, this will all be a two-way street like the recent decision by Manchester Cathedrals to hold an Islamic prayer service and Ramadan feast. I am quite certain that following this we can expect mosques to host Anglican Eucharists and prayers to the risen Christ. Likewise, I’m sure as we speak, authorities in Makkah are putting up signs pointing dedicated hikers in the direction of the Peak District. Since no infidels are even allowed to enter the city of Makkah, such signs could be redundant. But then I would have thought putting up signs for Mecca in the Peak District was just as pointless. If you are going on a hike and desperate to carry out your religious devotions, a compass should suffice.

Then again, if you don’t do stunts like posting Mecca signs, allegations of rural racism will only multiply. Over the past two years, it appears the campaign has been under constant scrutiny.

They say on a clear day you can see racism in six different counties

We had Heritage England which spent thousands of pounds on an audit of slavery. A once charming BBC presenter, Countryfile, has denounced rural Britain for suffering from persistent ambient racism. No less an authority than Defra commissioned a report on why blacks, Asians and other minority ethnic groups see the countryside as a white environment. If this continues, Defra warned, our campaign will eventually become irrelevant to the country that actually exists. And of course there’s the dear old BBC which, following the murder of George Floyd, investigated rural racism asking why Dorset is 98% white.

If these groups had approached me, I could have saved them a pretty penny. It seems almost obvious to me that if you, your parents or grandparents move to another country, you will find that country is different from the one you or they left.

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I imagine if my grandparents had moved from the UK to Jamaica, I might still find this place to be rather Jamaican dominated. If my grandparents had moved to Pakistan, I might find that the vast majority of people there are not white. What to do after such a discovery? Well, I suppose I could decide to condemn the people and places of these countries, insisting that no one is truly free until I can happily wander through Waziristan and cry foul of hate if i find a negative comment on facebook. Yet such acts would strike me as not only rude, but actively hostile. My neighbors and compatriots might not appreciate this behavior.

But there is the problem of being a tolerant and decent society. Everyone comes to you because of your virtues. Then a certain cohort abuses these virtues. Then a bunch of idiots already among you insult you and complain that your country doesn’t look enough like the country they left.

How do I politely correct this? I’d say take a hike, but that might just trigger a whole new round of racism audits.

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