How to Address a Partner Who Passes Blame in an Argument

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It’s not your fault if a partner deflects or denies any wrongdoing. However, some communication styles may shift blame more than others. According to The Gottman Institute, a relationship research institute, criticism, such as when you criticize a partner’s character, can trigger defensiveness. Likewise, blame begets blame. It’s crucial to avoid blame when bringing up an issue with your partner and to approach the subject in a non-accusatory way.

One way to do this, as psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz told MindBodyGreen, is to use “I” statements to describe your feelings and needs. If your partner strays anyway, keep using “I” statements (like “I want to talk about it, and it’s important to me that you listen to what I say”) in response.

You can also focus on commonalities at the start of the argument. For example, if you’re upset that your partner worked overtime and came home later than expected, you might start by acknowledging that you both enjoy the job before discussing boundaries and what needs to change next time. . This way your SO will be less likely to get defensive and point fingers at you or whatever.

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