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I’ve never been white, and honestly, I don’t know what it would be like to be called to work for doing or saying something that was considered racist, but I can imagine it would be an anxiety-provoking and heart-wrenching experience. Particularly during this time of racial reckoning, many white professionals very delicately engage in complex race-related discussions (if any) out of fear of saying or doing something that might earn them the racist label, and that fear is probably both understandable and problematic. This is understandable because even though we all have our unpleasant moments, no one likes to be labeled, whether that label is jealous, lazy, or, yes, racist. Unfortunately, fear is also very problematic because it too often destroys any hope of having the sincere and sincere exchange of ideas that are desperately needed for the advancement of racial equity. I imagine that at that point when I was called (or even hinted at) a racist, my negative fantasies would flare up, probably prompting me to say and do things that would exacerbate an already precarious situation. While I like to think I would be evolved and composed enough to bend down and become curious, that probably wouldn’t be my first instinct. Instead, maybe I would start churning out my racial resume to gain anyone within earshot, react emotionally to elicit sympathy or intimidate others, or try to divert attention to my positive intentions. Understanding these natural inclinations, psychotherapist and Grappling: White Mens Journey from Fragile to Agile author Andrew Horning talks about this moment of vulnerability and asks white men (especially) to step up in a different way. Horning insists that engaging in unarmed close struggle is a choice to seize the opportunity in the context of where you are now. He explains: It’s a deliberate process that puts you right at the heart of the challenges and opportunities of the moment.
Horning’s mission is to help white males learn to better absorb these events when they occur, respond more effectively, and build their racial stamina and emotional capacity in the process. It calls the muscle of the moment practice, building the strength to stay in the moment, and it includes four stages designed to honor and fully engage in the moment.
1. Answer the call
Seemingly simple, Horning says the first step is simply to acknowledge that you have been called or called in to respond to a comment or action that is perceived to be racist. Instead of ignoring or hiding it, answer the call. The simple truth is, it can be tempting to just stick your head in the sand, pretend you’ve missed the comment, or opt for denial over acknowledgment. This call can take many forms: a colleague providing feedback, a social media post, or even a nagging question that won’t go away. When that moment arrives, he recommends taking a break, breathing, and starting to think. Horning explains that the internal dialogue might look like this. That’s it. I will breathe and remind myself that we all have racist patterns learned through socialization. It’s not who I am. I am a good person and I can do it.
2. Engage in the fight
Once you’ve answered the call, the next step is to resist any reflexive urge to check in or become defensive, and to lean and engage with curiosity. To engage means to be prepared to become uncomfortable, to move further into uncertainty, and to let go of what we thought was true, Horning explains. During this stage, we acquire more information about ourselves and the world around us, but we cannot yet understand everything. We keep our foot on the pedal of courage to see things we weren’t ready to see before and brake with the pedal of compassion when necessary, to breathe when things get too difficult or no longer make sense.
There is absolutely a difference between listening and waiting to speak, and right now choose listening. Strive to listen to understand, not to listen to answer. Your answer will come later, but right now focus on understanding the other person better. During this step, Horning suggests using the following sentences as needed for clarity or as an initial response to move the dialogue forward:
Tell me more.
I want to understand this.
Can we sit down and talk about it?
Would you be willing to tell me more about why you feel this way?
In order to stay engaged, Horning also suggests asking yourself what you need to stay in open water, sitting down, talking privately, examples? Ultimately, the goal is to stay engaged in the discussion in an open and honest manner. Resist defensive moves that bring you back to the same shore you came from, Horning says.
3. Love learning
Hardly anyone intends to say or do anything racist or offensive, so the key to moving towards a common understanding is often to change your perspective so that you can better understand the impact of the point of view. from other people (regardless of your intention). Feel how great it is to grow up and change, says Horning. Focus on doing it right, not being right. Horning also explains that this phase is often about unlearning and relearning.
Imagine the only black female engineer on the team telling you that she felt somewhat offended by your comments after she introduced her to the team. You would probably be shocked and confused by this given that your comments were completely complimentary. However, his explanation of hearing you exclaim, Wow Keisha, you really speak out in front of the whole team was confusing and offensive given his academic pedigree. By focusing on the impact (how the words were received), you are prepared to better understand that the commentary (and tone) suggested that you didn’t expect her to speak well even though it would. been a standard expectation for others. If you lean into this exchange, there is certainly an opportunity to learn more about micro-aggression and how our words and actions can sometimes unintentionally reflect deep-seated racial biases.
4. Turn outward
Finally, identify potential actions, amplify the voices of others, and keep listening. The key here is to become a genuine ally. Determine how you can best influence your environment to advance racial equity in very tangible ways. If the problem is confined to an individual (eg an offensive comment), certainly seek to repair that relationship, but if there are opportunities to create systemic change, make an effort to do so. Particularly for leaders, it can sometimes be helpful to depersonalize a specific complaint or allegation and instead focus on your ability to create a healthier environment for everyone. Horning suggests that leaders remember (if any), it’s not my fault, but it’s my responsibility. Here are several ways Horning suggests one could wrap up the immediate conversation to convey a true alliance:
Let’s talk with the head of the department to start a program.
Thank you for coming and taking the risk to talk to me, thank you.
I’ll create a schedule to take the bias out of these small jobs and distribute it evenly.
These issues are usually not the easiest to metabolize and deal with, so don’t expect too much too soon, and obviously it goes without saying that just because someone perceives an action or comment to be racist does not necessarily mean that others would generally agree. Indeed, there is no litmus test for racism, and many actions and behaviors fall into a large gray area. Arguably, determining where the racist tipping point is is much less important than hearing and engaging in authentic dialogue with colleagues, reflecting on and taking action to advance the fight against racism. For Andrew Horning, he found real power in seizing these difficult times as opportunities for real growth and connection. He explains: By reducing it to an instant, I was able to surrender.
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