Mr. Potato Head speaks to Trump, tourists on the coup and Sasquatch

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It’s been a while since Arizona Mirror columnist, playwright and sometimes satirist James E. Garcia checked in with Mr. Potato Head, America’s gender-neutral tuber favorite who has become high -dollar consultant for Republican politics.

Garcia recently reached the Head backstage at the Arizona Federal Theater, where thousands gathered for a weekend rally in Phoenix of former president Donald Trump. The following is a translation of Garcias ’exclusive interview with Head.

GARCIA: First, thank you for taking the time, Mr. Head.

HEAD: My pleasure.

GARCIA: Honestly, I was a little surprised that you agreed to a follow-up interview, after what your boss said about me on Fox News after our last interview. (Reading from his notebook.) Let’s see, Mr. Trump called me a low -life, liberal scum, piece by piece son that I wouldn’t break my shoe if I stepped on him.

HEAD: Oh, that. Donald makes no sense by that. That was his only way of expelling steam.

GARCIA: You mean like when he directed a mad, right wing of thousands to attack the Capitol on January 6?

HEAD: Now, there you are again. Anyone who has seen video of what happened knows that it was only a day in Congress. That was not a mob. They are just tourists spreading love.

GARCIA: They chanted, Hang Mike Pence and beat the police officers with flagpoles and fire extinguishers.

HEAD: Ex-actly! When was the last time you brought your family to Disneyland on the Fourth of July? Compared to that, insurect-, er, I mean threatening tourists at the Capitol as a whip of preschoolers hyped on Juicy Juice. They were just bullshit.

GARCIA: O-kay. I think you should just agree to disagree with it. An act of domestic terrorism is another convention at Juicy Juice. How about we shift gears? The former president arrived in Phoenix Saturday and hosted what he called the “Rally to Protect Our Elections.” Is that kind of a joke? Every ballot reporter and every judge with whom Trumps dealt with claimed that he, and not Joe Biden, who won the election had absolutely no evidence of massive voter fraud. The president cannot be serious.

HEAD: No, no joke. This time he was serious. Not that the president is not a funny man. Remember that time he told people to stick to an ultraviolet lamp where the sun doesn’t shine and inject themselves with bleach to cure themselves of COVID? Hi-scary! I pulled back my pants when I heard him say that. Or how about that time when he told people at a rally that we should stop testing people for coronavirus because wait for it, wait for it you will find many more cases. OMG! I was curled up on the floor. Slow test, he said, Slow test, please! He likes Henny Youngman, but instead of riffing on his wife, he gets this irritating virus. That man is killing me.

GARCIA: And many other people. Can you hear yourself?

HEAD: Lie, lie. Stop me if you hear this one. This is a classic. Russia, if you’re listening ?! Bwahahaha !!! If you’re listening! he said, hopefully you find the 30,000 emails missing. You can’t make it sh ** up!

GARCIA: We’re with you there. Can we get back to the interview?

HEAD: Okay, okay. But let me breathe. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m ready.

GARCIA: In our last email exchange, you said that Cyber ​​Ninjas, the company that conducts the recount of 2020 ballots from Maricopa County, is almost done. But now I hear another delay.

HEAD: Garcia, look at me. Look at me. Look at me!

GARCIA: Are you making Travolta from Get Shorty?

HEAD: I might be, but that doesn’t matter now. All I’m saying is I want you to look me in the eyes and tell my face this face, my real face that you really believe in your heart that Joe Biden won the 2020 election.

GARCIA: Joe Biden won the 2020 election.

HEAD: I’M NOT SCREWING AROUND HERE!

GARCIA: Calm down, Potato Head. You asked me a question and

HEAD: Shush! (Presses index finger to Garcias’ lip.) Shush now. I’m trying to help you with this. Don’t know how it will end?

GARCIA: Are you now into Chris Rock’s channel?

HEAD: Yes! Yes, me! Because I love Blacks. And so is Donald. And we love Latino people too. Which is why I love you. Isn’t it time you join the flock.

GARCIA: I can’t do it, Mr. Leader. I’m just here to do my job and sort our facts from fiction.

HEAD: You realize you’re talking to a big plastic toy potato.

GARCIA: There is that. Last question: Is Donald Trump planning to run for president in 2024?

HEAD: Mr. Garcia, I will answer the often repeated query to some of my own.

GARCIA: A simple yes or no to do. But go ahead.

HEAD: SI GOV. DOUG DUCEY no spin!

GARCIA: It’s not really my duty to-

HEAD: Doesn’t she look exactly like Potsy Weber on Happy Day ?!

GARCIA: I’m not sure what-

HEAD: Is Sasquatch real ?!

GARCIA: I think it would be better to end this marriage?

HEAD: Is the “Q” Sasquatch?

GARCIA: (As he starts to leave.) Thank you, Mr. Head. I’m just letting myself out.

HEAD: (Shouts now as Garcia goes) What are you scared of, Mr. Garcia ?! Join us! Join us! Don’t you see! Only Trump can fix this! He and she alone!

GARCIA: (On his way) Thank you, Mr. Leader. Have a safe flight back to La La Land.

HEAD: But it’s not over yet.

GARCIA: No, I think you cooked well. Im outta here.

After Garcia’s release, long pause.

HEAD: Potatoes scare people.

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