Ex-etiquette: how to avoid the blame game

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Question: I have a bonus family. My husband has two children and I have two children. We added a son three years ago. We tried your suggestion of a family chat to express the differences, but things seem to get out of hand. What is a good ex-label?

Answer: Family chats are a great way to solve problems, but bonus families should ensure that they remain a forum for conflict resolution and not just ventilation sessions. If the discussion is filled with “you always do this” or “you never do that,” the conversation is doomed to spiral out of control.

Why? Because it is human nature to hear two words first and lose sight of the essence of the observation – always and never. Once those words get into the discussion, people get defensive and don’t listen. Their response is rarely, “Really? I am sorry. I hadn’t realized. It’s usually “I don’t!” Or “No, I don’t!” The common answer then is: “You too!” Back and forth until the sighting is lost and you fight to fight.

Whenever you expose your differences or seek a solution to a problem with someone, avoid the blame game. Teach family members to use “I messages” to explain their feelings. There is a very simple template that you can follow that really works in discussions.

Use “I SENSE”, not “you always”:

– Express the feeling.

– Indicate the offending behavior.

– Indicate the effect this has on you.

– Say what you would like to see.

So, “you’re always yelling at me for no reason!” – something kids say all the time – becomes, “I feel hurt (feeling) when you raise your voice (offensive behavior). I feel like I want to cry and don’t want to listen (the effect this has on you) and I would like you to talk to me without yelling at me (what you want to see).

Now you talk about yourself, you don’t blame them.

The model of family discussion that I often suggest – sitting down with rules your family designed specifically for your family – was born out of necessity. When my husband and I wanted to talk to the kids about anything that needed improvement, we approached it from a “we’re all in the same boat” approach.

The family discussion worked very well. The funny thing was when the kids called a family chat about us. We were shocked. We had no idea that something we were doing – working too many hours – was bothering them. When my daughter was 8 and my bonus daughter was 9, they brainstormed together and had a family chat. They made their case very clearly and said what they would like to see (reduce working hours). My husband and I found this to be a lot of fun but were also very grateful that the model we had in place worked. It gave everyone the feeling that they could respectfully discuss what they were feeling.

So take a look at your approach. Do you use the family discussion model as a problem-solving tool or as a way to complain? You may need to modify what you do to make it work for your specific needs. Try to stay flexible. It’s a good ex-label.

Dr Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email him on the Ex-Etiquette website exetiquette.com at dr.jannexetiquette.com.

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