Does perfectionism make you less happy and less productive? Tips for Countering Your Inner Criticism

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“Perfectionist recovery.” It’s a term that pops up everywhere, from Instagram bios and podcast titles to the growing number of self-help books.

Once seen as a pretty positive trait, perfectionism is now widely seen as a barrier to healthy, productive lives, and for good reason: the combination of high personal standards and self-criticism can be toxic.

Perfectionism, which has been on the rise for decades, has been amplified by social media, which has increased the pressure on young people. A major 2016 study of college students in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom showed a 50% increase in perfectionism (9-18%) in less than 30 years.

As it spread, many medical professionals and researchers have come to see perfectionism in a new light, including Professor Bren Brown, whose 2010 TED talk championing “courage to be imperfect “has gone viral.

But what is it to be a perfectionist? Can you pass it on to your children? And how can you foster a healthier outlook? We posed these questions to Chelsea Ale, a health system psychologist at the Mayo Clinic, and Nate Page, a psychologist at Carleton College, who is giving a presentation titled “How to Successfully Fail Overcome Perfectionism”. Their responses have been edited for more space and clarity.

Q: We used to present perfectionism in a more positive light. It seems to be changing. Why?

CA: In the world of psychology, we think of perfectionism as the main obstacle to people’s success. It is certainly something that in small doses can be helpful, but in large doses it can really be crippling. When you have an incredibly high perfection bar, it’s much easier to do nothing or do 1000% things. In math alone, it is impossible. Setting this impossible expectation, whether for yourself or for others, is really a setup for exhaustion and failure.

NP: With perfectionism, we believe that self-esteem depends on accomplishments or productivity. If I’m playing really well, then maybe for a few moments I feel like I’m worth it, that I matter, that I belong, that I’m good enough. For a lot of people, even if they win this competition or get the 4.0 GPA or lose X amount of weight, they still never have that feeling, even if they chase it so much.

Q: When does perfectionism become downright dangerous?

CA: There is a real dark side to perfectionism that has a big impact on people’s physical and mental health. It’s so standardized, and sometimes maybe even romanticized, that we just think it’s a normal part of being great. But at very high levels, we see a perfectionism that has reached such a point that it impairs people’s ability to function on a day-to-day basis. This might be more compatible with obsessive-compulsive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, and can sometimes even lead to chronic pain and physical disability.

Q: How does the pursuit of perfection affect children?

CA: We see kids getting ready to burn out in high school or college, they work so hard and burn the candle at both ends. The concept of moderation in determining the things you need to be 100% invested in and the things you just need to do OK is a skill that we need to teach some kids. Perfectionist teens would likely benefit from getting a B and seeing that the world doesn’t fall apart and that they can still be quite happy, even if everything isn’t perfect.

Q: What about the pressures to be a perfect parent?

CA: This pressure is real. I think social media influenced that. With people sharing only excerpts from their [perfect] lives, it may seem like this is how you should be. But fighting against these “shoulds” is a very strong model that parents can give to their children. If you want to raise your kids to be flexible and healthy, and if that is truly your value, then allowing them to wear their shirts inside out and have food all over their faces is sometimes stronger parenting than subscribing to that high bar of exactly what we should and shouldn’t be doing.

I think we can help others see this too, not always just talking about our successes with friends and talking more openly about struggles. Being real with each other and accepting can really help promote a culture of reality rather than perfectionism.

NP: I would suggest celebrating imperfection, celebrating mess. I think a great thing for parents is to learn to apologize to our children when we are wrong. Perfectionism is contagious.

Q: What are the ways to fend off perfectionism?

CA: Flexibility is a good thing. Doing things differently, doing things spontaneously, trying to deal with situations as they arise and not always having a plan, but changing things from time to time can be a really good way to counter the problem. perfectionism.

The flip side of perfectionism is really the fear of not being good enough. As we start to face this fear, and we start to do things imperfectly and see that things are probably going well anyway, it just gets easier and easier. Being afraid of failure and being afraid of not being the best really works the same way. Slowly, gradually, more and more comfortable with it, the more we deal with it.

NP: Try to practice saying, “It’s okay to disagree. I am acceptable at the moment, as I am. ” It’s the starting point. Even though for many of us perfectionists, it’s the opposite of what we’re used to. We used to say, “Oh, I’ll be OK once I get to the next corner, once I do that, once I get over perfectionism, then I’ll be OK.” Practice turning that around and saying, “No, right now, as a perfectionist, as a flawed human being, I’m absolutely fine. “

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