Royal Family survived paedo-loving princes, racist-citing duchesses, Harry dressed as Nazi, but now faces new enemy

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THE Royal Family spans 37 generations and 1209 years.

During this time theyve overcome head-chopping kings, toe-chomping princesses, paedo-loving princes, racist-citing duchesses, burning palaces, abdications and Prince Harry dressed as Nazi.

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Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s explosive interview with Oprah WinfreyCredit: CBS

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Prince Andrew during his BBC Newsnight interviewCredit: supplied by Pixel8000

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The fifth series of Netflix’s The Crown will portray King Charles as a sadistic, cheating monster

In other words, many an annus horribilis has been had. All have been surmounted.

But now, still grieving their beloved Queen, the monarchy is staring down the barrel of a terrifying new enemy show business.

First, obviously, cam Meghan Markle. (More on her later).

Now, with all the sensitivity of root canal surgery, Netflix has announced the release date for its fifth series of The Crown a month after the Queens death.

It will portray King Charles as a sadistic, cheating monster.

A 37-second teaser clip was aired, showing the late Princess of Wales, played by Elizabeth Debicki, preparing for her infamous interview with the BBCs shamed Martin Bashir.

An incident, lets not forget, the real Prince William said contributed significantly to his mothers fear, paranoia and isolation and his calling for the Panorama episode never to be broadcast again.

Netflix moguls must be rubbing their greedy little paws with glee ahead of the November 9 transmission. Death and tragedy = boxset gold.

After all, in the 48 hours following the Queens death, streams of The Crown shot up 800 per cent. Kerching!!!!

Lest you think Netflix is ​​a shameless, cynical conglomerate, think again.

Filming for the show, featuring Imelda Staunton playing the Queen, was generously halted for a few days following the death of the real monarch.

Virtue signaling aside, the fifth series of the Emmy-winning series has reportedly prompted Buckingham Palace to push back over fears it could seriously harm the new Kings surging reputation.

According to The Telegraph, the royals want Netflix to convey a warning The Crown is a drama not a documentary, while a friend of the King called the fifth season exploitative.

In short, showbiz and royalty are oil and water.

The greasy former requires sharp elbows, a modicum of talent and ruthlessness.

The latter solely requires some timely fertilization.

Showbiz runs through Meghans LA veins.

Fresh from the set of Suits, a series about 12 of us in the UK watched, she brought with her a frothing team of publicists, stylists and advisers.

Used to being paid for every Instagram plug, TV show or movie, an upcoming book says she was overheard griping, I cant believe Im not getting paid for this, amid her first royal tour in 2018.

For toffs, this is painfully left.

DON’T LIKE CHANGE

In the same book, Courtiers: The Hidden Power Behind The Crown, it is claimed Meghan hoped to become the Beyonce of Britain.

The problem, of course, being that ginger Prince Harry is no Jay-Z.

Unless youre a Fox, a Douglas or a Kardashian, showbiz doesnt take too kindly to nepotism. Royalty survives only because of nepotism.

And therein lies the rub.

Today, Harry is all too eagerly traipsing on to the red carpet, clinging on to the Balenciaga coat tails of his glamorous wife. Rightly or wrongly, it simply isn’t the royal way.

Having cosied up to James Corden and Oprah, privacy-loving Harry has now penned a memoir, one which threatens to destabilize his family at one of the most critical moments in its history.

(Although penned may be pushing it, given Eton-educated Harry scraped two A levels and has employed a ghostwriter… lightly penciled, maybe.)

Anyway, the one thing we all know is that the 1,200-year-old royals, with their pomp, privilege, arcane traditions and ridiculous gilded cages, dont like change.

Netflix, and Meghan and Harry, are busy writing their own narratives some more fictionalised than others.

Their collective recollections may vary, but the damage they may yet wield remains potent.

TUNE IN FOR THE TONYS

AS a Spurs fan, the following pains me to write.

But former Arsenal captain Tony Adams (and his stunning dance partner Katya Jones) were, unequivocally, the best thing about the return of Strictly Come Dancing.

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Tony Adams (and his stunning dance partner Katya Jones) were, unequivocally, the best thing about the return of Strictly Come DancingCredit: PA

With the greatest will in the world, Tony and rhythm are distant bedfellows.

Having been lowered to the dance floor on a gold cannon, he valiantly gurned his way around the dance floor looking like a man in the early stages of rigor mortis.

Tony, bless im, gave it his all to camp classic Go West, by The Village People. (Tony 1, Toxic Masculinity 0).

Despite the peers best efforts, they ranked bottom of the leaderboard with a miserly 15 points.

Strictlys viewing figures are down more than a million from last year despite the most jazz handsy line-up yet.

The reality is that, yes, its all very nice and aesthetically pleasing seeing the dance-trained Kim Marshs, Will Mellors et al, giving beautiful, polished performances, but really theres nothing us Brits like more than an underdog.

We want more Widdecombes, Sergeants and Wallaces; fewer stage-schooled, tango-taught stars.

Vote Tony and Katya.

Meloni’s take on Il Duce?

THANKFULLY she has more hair, but arguably there end the dissimilarities…

Italy looks set to elect its most far-right ruler since Mussolini, with Giorgia Meloni on course to become the countrys first female PM after winning 26 per cent of the vote, based on provisional results.

Obviously Meloni insists shes not a fascist.

Her take on Il Duce?

Everything he did, he did for Italy.

Hmmm.

WES IS THE WAY TO GO

SO the Labor Party Conference has begun. Alas, I didnt get an invite.

Still, it looks like a barrel of laughs if you like that sort of thing, comrade.

But in all seriousness, West Streeting is surely the future of the party.

Charismatic, young (in politics years, which are a bit like dog ones), fiercely bright and passionate, the Shadow Sec for Health and Social Care is that rare beast: A conviction politician.

He’s also listening.

This week he pledged to bring back the family doctor.

This at a time when its easer to win the EuroMillions than to get a face-to-face appointment with your local GP.

Oh, and when asked about the burning cultural question of the moment, he once very sensibly replied: Men have penises, women have vaginas, here ends my biology lesson.

Fairplay Sports

FRESH controversy in the sporting world.

India beat England in the final ODI at Lords by 16 runs but only after a hugely controversial run-out at the non-strikers end by bowler, Deepti Sharma.

The move known as a Mankad was met by a chorus of boos.

Predictably, the Indians have been accused of cheating, while Sharma herself has been vilified for her lack of sportsmanship / sportswomanship.

And Sharmas proud, money-spinning agents?

Fairplay Sports.

RISHI GOT IT RIGHT

SALES of a book about Nostradamus have skyrocketed after it was suggested the 16th century French astrologer correctly predicted the Queens death more than 450 years ago.

Guys! Forget Big Nostra! Rishi Sunaks the seer we all need.

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Sales of a book about Nostradamus have skyrocketed after it was suggested the 16th century French astrologer correctly predicted the Queens deathCredit: Getty

Last month he declared Liz Trusss tax and spending plans were so reckless they risked a Sterling meltdown.

As The Spectator mag mocked shortly after: There will be a run on Sterling. The gilts market will be in freefall.

“And the FTSE will tumble as global investors take fright and sell off every form of British asset… that is, at least, according to the former Chancellor.

The piece added: He is just making himself look childish and petulant, while the headline screeched: Who is Sunak kidding with his warnings about Sterling?

Which aged well.

Pass that man his crystal ball and let him go again.

BAGGED A WFH

LAST week I was forced to do the very thing Ive been rallying against for months and join the WFH blob brigade.

One herniated disc and several industrial-strength painkillers later, Im bracing myself for a return to the office.

And how did I do myself such an unfortunate mischief, I hear no one cry?

Slipping on a Waitrose Bag For Life down half a flight of stairs.

One day Ill see the funny side.

Uke cannot be serious

CAN you imagine a fate worse than this?

Crashing to die in the Atlantic Ocean would be preferable.

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US carrie Southwest Airlines gave every passenger a ukulele on a flight to HawaiiCredit: Twitter/@SouthwestAir

US carrie Southwest Airlines gave every passenger a ukulele on a recent flight to Hawaii.

Alongside a picture of ukuleles on seats, a poor, misguided PR person excitedly Tweeted: We teamed up with @guitarcenter to surprise a flight full of customers flying out of Long Beach with a ukulele and a lesson.

“By the time they arrived in Honolulu they were pros.

Id be demanding a parachute.

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