How to handle reviews | psychology today

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Ask Kim, and Shell says Todd criticizes her all the time. Ask Todd, and he’ll say he just makes helpful suggestions. Research shows that destructive criticism has an impact on recipients1 anger, avoidance, poor performance, but even constructive criticism, if too frequent, can be destructive, especially in intimate relationships.

What drives the critics? Here are the typical culprits:

Childhood: identifying with the aggressor

If you grow up in a family where criticism is a constant, it is part of your relational DNA. Some children in the family will learn to cope by withdrawing or striving to be good. Yet, as in other forms of abuse, some will learn to identify with the critical parent and carry this into their adult relationships with their own versions of the like-father-like-son dynamic.

Power

If you have a narcissistic personality, are a sociopath, or are simply in power, criticism becomes one of your preferred ways to manipulate and control others to use them for your own purposes.

Anxiety

Trauma and power undoubtedly drive some critical people, but anxiety is probably the main driver for most. One of the main ways people often try to cope with anxiety is through control: I worry about _____, but if I can just get you to do what I want you to do, I feel less anxious: it is the micromanagement that many partners complain about. But what the critic adds to the mix is ​​the judgment: “Not only do I want you to do what I want you to do, but I want you to do it the right way”, implying that what you are doing is wrong.

Critical people not only try to deal with their anxiety by controlling others, but they are also prone to black/white, right/wrong thoughts, resulting in the criticisms you constantly feel. And if it’s any consolation, it’s not just you they give a hard time to, but usually also themselves – they constantly blame themselves for minor mistakes.

Resentment

You are tired of feeling/doing ____. You bite your tongue, you suck it, but periodically you get fed up and explode in a storm of criticism. It’s less about criticism and more about anger and unresolved issues.

Manage reviews

So if you’re Kim, what to do with Todd? A few suggestions:

decide what you are

If you have a history of abuse, if you have low self-esteem, if you are depressed, if you tend to be critical of yourself, you are wired for criticism, even if the most others’ slights seem terribly negative to you. It’s also easy for you to fall into that little child mindset. When Todd criticizes her, Kim automatically blames herself or thinks the only way to stop Todd is for her to do better.

While understandable, Kim needs to stop doing this – giving in to Todd’s demands will only fuel his control scheme. Instead, it’s time for her to take a step back, come to terms with her sensitivity, and try not to overreact. Here, Kim can let Todd know a better way to present his ideas in a way that doesn’t trigger him.

Repel

But Kim may decide it’s not about her, it’s about Todd; his critical comments are not casual incidents, but part of a larger pattern. If so, she must avoid getting into the weeds with him about why she did x, it will only lead to a reality argument and stoke the emotional fire. Instead, she needs to have a conversation with him when they’re both calmer about the larger pattern that she constantly feels micromanaged and judged, and wants him to stop.

Talk about anxiety

If Kim suspects that it’s Todd’s anxiety, not power, that’s driving her criticism, she can talk about it: rather than retort by saying, “Leave me alone,” she can retort, “What’s – what worries you? Why am I not getting ___ your way, bothering you? Help me to understand you. By doing this, she puts the problem where it belongs, namely in Todd’s lap.

Solve the underlying problem

If it’s resentment about an unresolved issue – dirty dishes in the sink really determines who does what tasks in the relationship – or an imbalance in the relationship – I think you give plenty of room to do your thing, but you seem to be criticizing mine – try and have a quiet conversation to put it to rest. It’s about coming up with a plan, a win-win compromise that works for both of you. The challenge here is to get the conversation out of the blame game, to avoid arguing about the means – who should do what – and focus instead on the ends, the ultimate problem that you are both trying to solve.

stop

And if you’re the critical person, if you realize that you’re not the person you want to be, that you’re too hard on others and on yourself, maybe it’s time to set yourself up as goal of changing these behaviors. Here you will want to work on the underlying problem of anxiety.

Experimenting with prioritizing, anxiety makes everything seem important. Sow and realize that this is a first world problem, not a third world problem; slow down and notice when your anxiety increases or find ways to reduce your stress rather than automatically regaining control. Consider a short period of therapy to help you learn these skills, or take online classes or talk to your family doctor about medication. Being uncritical isn’t about biting your tongue, it’s about learning to express your concerns and needs in a more assertive, less judgmental, and less controlling way.

So if you’re the only one feeling criticized, take the risk of being assertive and being clear about what you need. And if you’re the critical person, consider learning the skills you need to not only treat others more kindly, but also learn how to treat yourself better.

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