How to Respond Gracefully to Destructive Criticism

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If you are someone who struggles with harsh internal criticism, you know how powerful this force can be. The good news is that with a bit of introspection and hard work, it is possible to change that voice, or at least learn to live peacefully with it.

But just as essential as taming your inner voice is protecting yourself from potential harm from external critics. Being around people who aren’t supportive or who often put you down can exacerbate your already punitive self-talk.

Since there will always be naysayers and backbiters, it’s best to learn to live with them or, as one of my beloved mentors often says, become like Teflon and let their words bounce off you.

Here are some ways to start building that teflon skin and learn how to protect yourself from outside forces that threaten to exacerbate negative self-talk and undermine your sense of worth.

1. Sort the constructive from the destructor.

Criticism comes in many forms. Some are easier to recognize than others, and not all are the blatant kind. Constructive criticism is healthy and, in many situations, necessary. If we don’t know what our weaknesses are, how are we going to grow or change? There is, however, a difference between constructive criticism intended to help (such as from protective loved ones) and unsolicited negative criticism intended to hurt. Learning to decipher both is the key.

Unfortunately, today’s digital landscape has become an ideal platform for a cohort of critical internet trolls. These thorns in the side of humanity are subject to anonymity, probably out of shameful awareness that their hurtful remarks are only a reflection of their own lack of compassion for themselves. And whether your review comes from a troll or an acquaintance, keeping this factor in mind is key.

And then there are the other, less anonymous critics, like those who smile in your face and then shoot you behind your back, or those who undermine you directly under the guise of constructive criticism or simply to help you. A clue that this is happening is if a comment is prefaced with No offense, or Don’t rain on your parry, but…. When you hear these words, you can be sure your parry is about to rain.

2. Take a break from social and other media.

Whether it’s a fair-weather friend or the media trying to convince you that you’re not good enough, there will never be a shortage of criticism to challenge your sense of worth.

Low self-esteem stems from multiple ecological causes, says Dr. Anjhula Mya Bais. A highly critical upbringing coupled with a consumer society that is built on the destruction of self-esteem only to rebuild it through material possessions are factors why individuals feel the way they do.

It’s not hard to think of examples, from the onslaught of television commercials telling us we weren’t thin enough, pretty enough, or just plain bad enough, to Eurocentric beauty standards portrayed in all forms of media. . Bais suggests making room for open dialogue. Unpacking these different levels, discussing them and describing them in a thoughtful way, she says, goes some way to planting the seeds of change.

3. Pay attention and notice when an insult occurs.

When someone says something hurtful, we can be so taken aback that we don’t realize what’s going on until after we’ve had a chance to think it over, or until a friend (or therapist) tells us. reports it. The knee-jerk reaction in a moment of criticism or insult is often to believe them and question ourselves, when in fact we should be doing the exact opposite.

The next time you find yourself questioning yourself based on someone else’s words, take a moment to breathe, allowing space between the automatic reaction to take it as truth. Which brings us to the next point. . .

4. Consider the source.

The next time you feel the sting of a negative remark, remember to consider the source. Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, addresses this same question when she refers to Theodore Roosevelt’s famous speech, The Man in the Arena:

Essential readings on self-esteem

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who shows how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with dust, sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who fails again and again, because there is no effort without error and without blemish but who really strives to accomplish the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, great devotions; who expends himself in a noble cause, who at best knows in the end the triumph of a high achievement, and who at worst , if he fails, fail at least by daring much, so that his place will never be among those who are cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

In other words, has your critic earned the right to criticize you? Is it someone you admire or even respect?

5. Thank them.

Perhaps it can help to think of your detractors as little helpers or teachers, there to control your ego. The next time you see one, thank him and tell him, I hear you. But I’m good. Thank you for your concern. Or, to quote one of my wise teachers, Kiss them on the lips! In other words, those who seem to challenge us the most may, in fact, be our greatest teachers.

6. Accept it.

As sure as there will always be death and taxes, there will always be naysayers in your life. Accepting this as a fact of life is your safest option, as is recognizing that no matter how much energy you put into gaining support from those around you, some are simply unable to offer that support. Trying to please everyone all the time is a surefire setup for disappointment.

We are all on separate journeys. We just have to stay in our own ways. Have faith in yourself, trust that you are doing your best, and never let another’s insecurity steal yours.

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