My party guest criticized my accommodation opposite

[ad_1]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently hosted a jazz night and dinner at our apartment in New York. His five-piece band performed a concert and then we served a buffet dinner for people to help themselves and then return to their chairs and tables.

After dinner, an older guest (50 year old friend) dressed me in front of another guest (25 year old younger friend) about my working too hard when all these women were there to help me .

I had two women whose main task was to collect dishes and glasses, wash them and put them away quickly. Our apartment has a modern, open floor plan, which I don’t like because the kitchen is literally part of the living room.

Yes, I helped my paid assistant get the food from the oven to the counter to speed up the process for the 30 guests. I didn’t serve food or wash things. I walked around with two bottles of wine to complement people’s drinks, which I really like to do.

The intrusive comments from my older friends annoyed me, but I handled it with humor by telling my youngest friend, who like me works in theatre, Well, the critics are there.

The next day Older Friend wrote an enthusiastic thank you email praising the music, the company, the food and our apartment. And then repeated in writing his criticism of my working too hard.

I think she was off limits. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your friend is not helpful. You and Miss Manners both know what she’s really saying is that there’s something downgraded about being attentive to help.

If she repeated that unpleasant performance, you could thank her for her concern and say how nice she would be to lend a hand next time. If you want to invite her next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to think of myself as a kind person who tries to interact with others with courtesy. I am also, however, extremely introverted.

When I get an invitation to an activity I would hate, or from someone I don’t want to cultivate a relationship with, I’m not sure how best to decline.

I hate hurting someone’s feelings, but in trying to avoid doing so, I’m afraid the person will end up without a clear no from me and try again. It makes me feel tasteless and insincere, and causes me even more stress.

Could you suggest some graceful but fairly short opt-out methods that will get the point across?

GENTLE READER: Recklessness is so much more harmful to potential hosts than polite rejection would be. All invitations require a specific commitment one way or the other.

The solution is to reject the invitation without appearing to reject the person even when you are, Miss Manners hastens to add. So when it comes to a particular activity, you say, I’m not one to do big gatherings (or pickleball, or whatever), but I’d love to see you another time.

If you don’t want to, you can plead general occupation Thank you, but it’s a busy time for me, and I don’t go out much. It’s effective because everyone is busy, even those who are busy thinking about what to do with themselves.

Please send questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

[ad_2]