Why true leaders never blame others (or circumstances)

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When I was a child, I often accompanied my father while he went shopping. We lived in a small town with no big box stores, so we usually found ourselves in welcoming family shops with witty cartoons displayed behind their counters.

During one of these outings, as my dad was chatting with the store owner, I noticed one particular cartoon that stuck in my head over the years. It depicts a poor soul wading through a swamp, stalked by alligators. The caption read: “When you are alligators up to your neck, it’s hard to remember that your original goal was to clear the swamp!”

Even at twelve, I found it funny. After all, who hasn’t been distracted from a goal by unexpected complications?

But over the years, I’ve come to see a pretty deep wisdom beneath the soggy surface of this cartoon cut.

The trap of “innocence”

Most of us are naturally good at shying away from responsibilities, especially when the going gets tough. This tendency flourishes when we are very young. A child is often quick to explain how his shirt got “dirty” on itself rather than how he wiped his hands covered in peanut butter and jelly.

In adulthood, we have mastered this art of deviation. In fact, we are so good at dodging responsibilities that it almost becomes a reflex. For example, we explain poor performance by pointing to factors outside ourselves. In my 25 years in leadership roles at companies like Microsoft and Novartis, and in my executive coaching practice, I hear this all the time.

To be fair, we all fall into this trap. You do it. I do it too.

If we miss our sales target, it’s because the economy has weakened or our product is not keeping its promises. If we’re late for an appointment it’s because the traffic was horrible. Either way, it’s not our fault, it’s someone (or something) else’s fault. We are only innocent spectators victims of factors beyond our control.

Let’s be honest. Innocence is good. It saves face and avoids guilt. But there is a dark side to this kind of innocence: if you embrace victimization, then you have to embrace helplessness as well. And helplessness leads to despair.

You can see where it’s going, and it’s not pretty. It’s horrible.

Leaders choose responsibility. No matter what.

The truth is, in every situation there are factors beyond our control and factors under our control. I challenge you to find an exception.

Imagine holding an apple in your outstretched hand and then releasing it. What happens? The apple falls, but why? Gravity worked on it, of course, but you also played a role. You let it go. There were two factors at play, one beyond your control (gravity) and the other under your control (letting go).

Even the most difficult of circumstances offer elements that are in your control. If someone locks you in a dungeon and throws the key away, a lot will indeed be out of your control. But some will remain under your control. Most important of these is your ability to choose your answer.

Viktor Frankl, the famous Austrian psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz and three other Nazi death camps, wrote in his memoir Man’s Search for Meaning: “Anything can be taken from a man except one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose your attitude in any circumstance, to choose your own path. “

Frankl pointed out that there is a gap between stimulus and response, and that gap is our moment of choice. The trick is to pay attention to this moment and use it to decide what benefits you and the people you care about.

Where are you aiming your flashlight?

If you are in a totally dark room, but have a flashlight, you can use it to illuminate different parts of the room. You can choose to keep the beam of the flashlight in one place on the floor. But in doing so, you will miss other things in the room. Maybe there’s a treasure chest in this room, or a lost unicorn, or a freshly baked apple pie.

The point is, what you focus on is your choice and, therefore, under your control.

In any difficult situation, if you focus on the things that are beyond your control, you will feel like a victim. In this same situation, if you focus on the factors under your control, you’ll want to wait for a leader.

When the going gets tough, leaders don’t focus on what they can’t control and thus relinquish their power. Instead, they light up the whole room and focus on what they can control, which is their choices and their ability to react and embrace their power. Then they choose the best course of action and take it.

This way of thinking is the mindset of leadership. Its distinguishing feature is the “responsiveness” and it leads to power, peace and confidence.

You know you are adopting this unconditionally responsible mindset every time you use the “I” language: “I spilled the milk.” “I see choices.” “I will fix it.” Leaders do not use language that blames circumstances or other people. Instead, they assert their freedom of choice and exercise their free will.

Later, Gator

In business and in life, you can expect frequent encounters with spooky creatures like alligators and other seemingly threatening distractions. It’s just the nature of things.

But when it does, don’t play the helpless victim of the circumstances. Instead, pull out your flashlight, take a wider look around, and choose how you will react. This is what real leaders do.

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